Anguish.
Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"
My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.
I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.
However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.
It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!
I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.
I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.
The word that comes to mind is, anguish.
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Comments
My heart is breaking for you, and for William.
K - there is NO shame in depression.
There is shame in not taking care of yourself, and your depression. Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself...and taking the steps to overcome your depression before you get sucked down that very real, very tempting, black hole. Be it a good friend and a cup of coffee...or going to the doctor and getting on meds.
You are in my thoughts.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to go through this, and I know how much you want to fight this and prove to yourself that you can be independent. Good for you; stay strong. However, maybe it's not so bad to ask for a little help during your time of need. You don't need to whine or cry about your pain to others; just ask. Whether it's a community center, or church group, or family members. A few hundred bucks, a willingness to carpool you to work, or even William to daycare, or to help you look for a job...anything just to help you get started. It's a difficult and long journey that you're going to have to go through, but I don't think you have to do this alone.
I put myself if your shoes and honestly, I wouldn't care if I had to beg my co-worker who I barely knew to help me out, or if I had to hold my head in shame and ask my parents for money. When I'm feeling the warmth of my baby in my arms, none of that would matter anymore.