Strength.
All my life I've been a rock for others. Like rocks, when water seeps into their cracks, some eventually break apart inside where they are most vulnerable or erode from constant bombardment of the elements, if the vulnerability is near the surface. People have seeped into my weak places and broken me apart slowly over time and people have worn me down when I've worn my weakest burdens near my surface.
Sometimes I feel like a lowly, gray and morose rock, tired of holding myself together for others, tired of being. Yet, I gladly let those I love into my soft, safe places and eventually, no matter what they always become a part of me. This I do not regret, even if they break me. Yet sometimes the strain is difficult. I want to hold up, for myself and for those I love. This is a worrisome thought.
Then I begin to wish I could be a liquid and flow into somewhere warm and safe, into a solid crevice, winding its way to become part of a permanent deep lake, untouchable and bottomless. But that is a dark thought and I can't be this way, or lean on another in such a manner. I can't expect it from another. Liquid and running and dark is not who I am.
I've been strong for my parents. My mother, my father. I've done it for friends. I've been a shattered rock for my first love which nearly broke me to pieces and possibly has, though I hold together like a mosaic, trying to at least be a pretty rock on the outside. And so, I've done it for lovers. And I go on this way. And I may always go on this way. But I want someone to hold me together, or piece me together if I break. I want another rock to crash down beside me and wedge me somewhere firm, so I feel safe.
To close off all my cracks and openings? Impossible and selfish. To either crumble into ashes and let everyone take a part of me? At least I would have given. To harden into something impenetrable? I suppose only a diamond can be so lucky, so perfect. And I certainly am far too flawed to be such a thing. I too wear myself. Aren't we all ticking time bombs? Lava cools and forms and the rock is predetermined. So are we at birth, by those who shape us and how we are raised. I can't help but think, of how much the struggle is set? How much is choice?
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I hear you, I understand EXACTLY what you mean.... sadly :(
Keep strong - Remember if you were not so strong to begin with, you would have never had the ability to 'crack' in the first place - and through all our cracks is where we learn - we learn so many things ie: how and when to let our guards down, when to give, when to bend, and sadly when to break. It is when we do break into these fragments that we can recollect ourselves, and put ourselves back together - in a way we are happy with, and in a way where we become even stronger than we first were........ I believe that our cracks show us our lessons, and the learning from the lessons is our Super-Glue in which we become stronger and hold ourselves together :)
Peace and Strength to you my friend.
xo
Beautiful post. I think most of us long for someone to come into our lives & share their strength & help to shoulder our burdens. To wedge us in securely, warm & stable. It's difficult to feel that way alone. Its possible, but difficult to have no one to shelter us from the storms but ourselves (if that makes sense).
Create Peace,
CS
One of my greatest revelations in life came from something my dad said (surprisingly). "In life, we can only rely on ourselves." The bitter truth is that no one will save us. Some cannot handle this truth and live in denial, waiting for that someone while continuously falling apart. Others are hurt by the truth and harden into fossils. But I believe that while it may be too naive to expect someone to us together, it is not naive to expect someone to not break us apart. At least, not so often. It is not naive to expect someone to be there for us and encourage us to heal our own cracks and openings, to mend the parts that are about to chip away.
I am but just a young woman like you. No matter how "broken" I say I am now, I know that there is much more weather and turbulence to come. My hope for myself through life is that I will be able to continue opening myself up to those I love until the day I die. But in order to do so, we must be wise and know when to stop opening up and hold ourselves back. Because if we don't, then we will continue to chip away, and we will continue to break apart.