http://queenhoda.vox.com/library/posts/tags/anguish/page/1/ en Vox Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:18:25 -0800 Copyright 2007 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss anguish http://queenhoda.vox.com/library/post/anguish.html?_c=feed-rss-full nobody@vox.com(Kristen) http://queenhoda.vox.com/library/post/anguish.html?_c=feed-rss-full http://queenhoda.vox.com/library/post/anguish.html?_c=feed-rss-full Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:18:25 -0800 <p>Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, &quot;where Momma? where Momma?&quot; </p><p>My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.</p><p>I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can&#39;t bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.</p><p>However, what can I do from here? I&#39;m 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.</p><p>It&#39;s hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can&#39;t bring William to me until I have a car and I can&#39;t get a car until I have more money. I&#39;m in a vicious and I need help! </p><p>I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can&#39;t describe, a pain I wish would stop. </p><p>I&#39;d give anything for that pain to cease. I&#39;d give anything to hold my son again.</p><p>The word that comes to mind is, <em>anguish.</em><br /> </p> <p style="clear:both;"> <a href="http://queenhoda.vox.com/library/post/anguish.html?_c=feed-rss-full#comments">Read and post comments</a> | <a href="http://www.vox.com/share/6a00c225221765549d00e398c53dd90002?_c=feed-rss-full">Send to a friend</a> </p> depression life pain william matthew divorce anguish