Kristen's Blog

Lonely.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:39:56 -0800

Last night I had a dream that a man came to me in my sleep. He did not have me sexually. He simply put his hand on my forehead, stroked my hair and kissed my cheek. I went to sleep last night with ache in both of my legs. When it is cold outside my legs hurt. In my dream, he eased my pain. He put his hands to my legs and gently rubbed them, pulling out the knots in the muscles and relaxing me. I remember him holding me while I cried. It was mercy. But, when I woke up this morning my leg ache was still there, no one was near me and I truly felt alone.

I feel abandoned by everyone who should be there for me. Some of my dearest friends have made their decisions, their judgments and to them, I'm not worthy of their comfort, empathy or compassion. One could say they aren't truly a friend, but to me they are dear to me. I forgive all too easily. I love with all my heart, even if it rips my heart apart. I need their compassion.

I truly long for human contact. It is cold outside and to save money on heating costs, I keep the thermostat on low. I can only cover up in so many blankets before I am wishing for the warmth of another. I hate the hours where I am here, in my empty apartment. I become excited at the thought of going to work. When I am here, as I am now, in my apartment, I try to find things to do. I cook and I clean. Sometimes I read. But, I do not enjoy it or find the meaning I once found in it. I've lost interest in things I love. I used to draw. I used to paint.

I've become depressed to a point I never thought I would return to. I was here, once, long ago, when I was a child. I was a girl and my parents fought quite a lot. Before the realization, I remember being very small, too young to know of their troubles, and running through corn stalks, thinking how good it was to be alive. Then, slowly over time I became aware of my parents problems. I remember at about the age of 10 coming to a point of despair in which I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I couldn't feel safe. I feel as if I've returned to this feeling.

I want someone to come sit with me. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to look into my eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay. I feel isolation and despair eating me alive. I fear that I no longer have enough vigor left in me to fight. I used to have strength. I used to take a stand for things I didn't feel were right. I would pick myself up and keep on going. I had a plan. Now I see my plans and my hopes and I can't seem to focus on the details, the steps they require. I feel paralyzed. I wish someone would come free me from the prison I am in, trapped inside my own hopelessness. I swear, a simple and consistent it's going to be alright, you can do this, would give me just enough courage and strength to keep going. I need true empathy.

It would be easier if the people telling and talking words would realize it's their actions, their deeds that mean the most, that motivate me and inspire me, keep me pushing through. The words come so easy to say, and to them these words are the solution. I hear the words all around. But for me, high up on a ladder I've started to climb, if I don't see my dearest standing below me, ready to catch me should I fall, I feel nothing but distraught.

I have an apartment of my own now. I will soon have a better job and a car. I'll bring my son home. But right now, at this moment, I feel lost. I'm trying so hard to focus on me. Me. My life. Everyone keeps telling ME that. "Focus on you, Kristen," they all tell me. That's easier said than done. I barely know how. I'm so used to caring for another, nurturing a love, and a family.

I hate to feel this helpless and hopeless. I feel so pathetic. But, I can't help it. It's how I feel. I hate it. It surely will pass though. Somehow I'll adjust. And, maybe by putting this down in writing and posting it, bearing all that makes me feel weak and ashamed, others who might be in my shoes will know they, too, are not alone.

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Anguish.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:18:25 -0800

Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"

My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.

I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.

However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.

It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!

I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.

I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.

The word that comes to mind is, anguish.

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I'm still here.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 10:24:12 -0800

I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

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Why?

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:20:30 -0700

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

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A thank you.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:06:41 -0700

To all of you who have been reaching out, whether you understand all that I'm going through or not, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, I thank you.

The kind words I am finding here on my blog, emails of concern, even advice and experiences shared in divorce, pain and loss, it all means so much to me.

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The reality of divorce.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 14:02:31 -0700

Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

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