2 posts tagged “dreams”

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

I was talking to Cate via messenger today. We're both just in absolute shock - still. It's setting in slowly, but it's really taken my mind a while to grasp all this. I mean really, quite a while. However, I think today was the day it finally became real. I'll explain...

I have been given an amazing gift by Vox - The Vox World Tour!

So many people are thrilled for me.

I'm going on a grand adventure!  With my wonderful father who deserves this more than anyone!

Cate passed this along to me. I read this article on Six Apart's website, written by Anil Dash, and like Cate did when she read it, I too cried like a complete baby. To see my words being quoted and my writing being praised as "profound and universal" drove me to burst into tears.

You see, I never in my wildest dreams thought something this would happen to me. Never.

I have struggled with the fact I've been given this amazing gift for the past 48 hours, asking myself, "Why me?"

Why me. Why me. Why? Me?

I haven't felt worthy these past two days.

I have struggled with wondering if I really deserve this. Honestly, I have had a very hard time grasping the fact my entry was chosen! Then being told by Mena Trott herself, the owner of Vox and Six Apart, that my words made her tear up! I can't believe it!

Yet, I am beginning to finally see. Slowly the realization is materializing.

I basically told Cate today that I have been trying to maintain normalcy for my husband and baby while all this has been happening by taking time to prepare meals, change diapers, play with my son, ask my husband about his day at work and not let things go neglected in my home.

I went on to tell Cate how it's been hard. At one point yesterday I felt like a bad mother. I hadn't attended to my son's needs like I should have because I was answering emails and telling all of my friends and family the big news.

But Cate assured me that I wasn't a bad mother and I deserved this. And my son was just fine. I think she's right. I do deserve this.

I really do.

You see, I haven't always had it easy. In fact, my life has been quite a struggle. However, despite the struggles and despite the hardships, I have endured. Not only have I endured but I have managed to be positive, accepting, loving, optimistic and hopeful. I've always believed that life is what we make of it. I've fought for my happiness.

One of my favorite sayings reads something like this:

"The sun shines brightest after the storm."

Today, my husband has assured me as well. "Kristen," he said to me, "you deserve this so much. Don't worry about things. The laundry can wait. I'll take care of William. You focus on you. It's fine. You've earned this."

Last night I deserved to sit on my butt and answer emails and type my heart out. My life has been one trial after another with a few breaks of happiness in the midst of turmoil. And so, this may be one of the greatest rewards ever bestowed upon me.

I earned this by being me. I held on. Things have paid off.  Good things do happen to those who believe, those who push on with hope in their hearts.

This is the sunshine after my storm. This is my dad's hard work, love, sacrifice, sweat and tears paying off.

Thank you Vox. Thank you  Mena, Gladys Krissy ...
and everyone who gave me this.

You saw my potential. You gave me a great reward. Thank you so much.

I may never stop thanking you all. It just means so much.

And so, I sit here again on my butt, enjoying the wonderful reward and gift I have been given, thinking of newlywed Cate who now gets to go on a second honeymoon with her husband, around the world. I'm smiling, thinking of her...

I think video blogging me chugging a Vox Vodka straight out of the bottle, whilst eating pink cupcakes as I dance around in my Vox T-shirt and screaming "THIS IS GOOOOOODDD!!" may help you grasp how gosh darn excited I am..

...and I laugh. I love this girl.

Because, I can see her doing it too! I really can. She says she has boundaries, but I'll bet she'd do it or possibly has, with the help of Vodka of course.

She's my best friend. I love her so much. I think that Cate probably understands me better than most people out there. I love her because she has true happiness for me. Cate has always encouraged me and inspired me. Cate has never let me down. She's always been there, like a true friend.

She wrote:

Kristen is just...absolutely, amazing.

This girl has had it tough. Tougher than most. Tougher than she should...

This girl needed a break. Dammit, this girl needed the world.

     But it has all come full circle now.

Thank you Cate.

She's right. It has come full circle and winning this contest, being showered with love, congratulations and appreciation has shown me...

I've made it. I am here. The sun shines.

All of the people who read my blog, send me emails, offer me their friendship by peeking into my life every day - I love you all. I love all of you here. Every one of you. A simple [this is good] from my friends means more to me than you might know. I am a woman of expression. I share my life. My life is not just my own but it is also for those around me.

Thank you my friends, for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for all you do for me. I may never stop thanking you either. I may often struggle with the fact I have so many people who care - it's unbelievable. It's wonderful.

I've always felt that, as people, we have the capability of touching each other in profound ways. Be it a simple, small,  yet magical gesture such as being the kind of Starbucks barista whose smile and "have a wonderful day" lasts, even after she's left the espresso bar and gone on to have children. I really believe we all have a little magic in us to use towards being good, happy people who touch others as only we can, if we only find that magic within ourselves and use it. 

My friends, you let me shine. Without you, I'd be insignificant.
You let me use my magic and nurture my potential.

Before Cate and I said goodbye in our online chat today, I asked her, "Where do I begin? How do I find the words? What do I write about next? I'm so overwhelmed with joy and happiness, I don't know what to do. My mind can't seem to grasp this."

Her answer was simple. She said...

"Accept it. This is yours."

This is one of the many reasons I love Cate. Her words are so full of simple wisdom, leaving me with just the answer and peace I needed to hear.

Today as I spoke to Cate and she delivered this answer to me, It finally hit me. The knowledge and realization sank in for the first time in these past two days.

It's real. I earned this. I deserve this. It's not luck, it's a blessing. It's an opportunity to honor the gift I've been given - to inspire, to grow, to be happy.

"What next?" I asked her.

"Let it unfold," she said.

Later on I went to a book store and I bought a book on traveling Paris. It felt so rewarding to pay that $7.50 towards my future journey.

Let it unfold I will... with every one of you.