4 posts tagged “faith”

All my life I've been a rock for others. Like rocks, when water seeps into their cracks, some eventually break apart inside where they are most vulnerable or erode from constant bombardment of the elements, if the vulnerability is near the surface. People have seeped into my weak places and broken me apart slowly over time and people have worn me down when I've worn my weakest burdens near my surface.

Sometimes I feel like a lowly, gray and morose rock, tired of holding myself together for others, tired of being. Yet, I gladly let those I love into my soft, safe places and eventually, no matter what they always become a part of me. This I do not regret, even if they break me. Yet sometimes the strain is difficult. I want to hold up, for myself and for those I love. This is a worrisome thought.

Then I begin to wish I could be a liquid and flow into somewhere warm and safe, into a solid crevice, winding its way to become part of a permanent deep lake, untouchable and bottomless. But that is a dark thought and I can't be this way, or lean on another in such a manner. I can't expect it from another. Liquid and running and dark is not who I am.

I've been strong for my parents. My mother, my father. I've done it for friends. I've been a shattered rock for my first love which nearly broke me to pieces and possibly has, though I hold together like a mosaic, trying to at least be a pretty rock on the outside. And so, I've done it for lovers. And I go on this way. And I may always go on this way. But I want someone to hold me together, or piece me together if I break. I want another rock to crash down beside me and wedge me somewhere firm, so I feel safe.

To close off all my cracks and openings? Impossible and selfish. To either crumble into ashes and let everyone take a part of me? At least I would have given. To harden into something impenetrable? I suppose only a diamond can be so lucky, so perfect. And I certainly am far too flawed to be such a thing. I too wear myself. Aren't we all ticking time bombs?  Lava cools and forms and the rock is predetermined. So are we at birth, by those who shape us and how we are raised. I can't help but think, of how much the struggle is set? How much is choice?

First of all, thank you everyone. I cannot tell you all what it means to have your compassion and encouragement as I have been enduring problems in my marriage and life, and dealing with the depression and discouragement that has followed.

What wonderful friends I have.

The past couple of days, I've found it hard to write. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about my marriage. Sometimes when it's not going as I'd like, I feel like a failure as a woman, a wife and a mother when things hit rock bottom on my life. My pride doesn't like to advertise "she's having problems."

Yet, I felt I had to express my feelings.

One reason why I haven't addressed each and every one of you is because I am overwhelmed with your care, concern, and compassion, I don't know where to begin, or how to find the words. My appreciation goes so deep.

I want you all to know that as soon as your comments and emails started pouring in, I began to feel better. I felt a huge weight lift from my spirit. I felt strong. I felt on the path to restoration.

My fever broke last night and I coughed less. I looked into the mirror, as applied make-up and brushed my hair. I saw the face of a woman. Never in my life has my reflection stared back so strong, so intensely, so woman.

Yesterday and the night before were some of the darkest hours in a great long time. I wouldn't say I am 100% better. I feel as if I am half way there, to pulling myself out of the hole I was in. But the light shines down upon me, in this dark place. And I find myself climbing out a lot faster than I anticipated. I know soon, I'll be back to my usual, happy, bright self.

I owe that not just to all of you, my friends, but mostly to my husband.

He is a wonderful man.

Last night he returned from work with a gentle hug to greet me. He brought me chicken soup and medicine for my UT infection - which wasn't cheap. He brought me a bag of body wash and lotions from Bath & Body Works and while the giving of a gift doesn't necessarily take the pain or hurt away, or makes things suddenly better, it was a wonderful, kind and thoughtful gesture.

He knows how much I love fragrances. He wrote on the bag, "To Marilyn Monroe, your #1 stalker." And he informed he that while he was shopping for the fragrances, he took the time to ask the women who worked in the store what sort of things I might like, based on my personality and my favorite smells. It meant so much to me that he did this, that he made this effort.

I spoke to him about me getting my driver's license. He says it is about time and that I was right in needing and wanting this. While we cannot quite afford the car insurance for me to drive right now, he says he will help me to get my license and add me onto the insurance later, when we can afford it.

The rest of it was said in the silent glances we exchanged that night and the way he held my hand. I saw in his eyes the willingness, compassion and understanding of a man who loves his wife and wants to please her. I realized I cannot hold back my feelings and let them later explode onto him in one giant emotional eruption. I realized, he's just a man. He cannot read my mind. He needs me to tell him how I feel, so he can please me.

My mother-in-law took our son for the night. We went out to ice cream and had a banana split, as a couple on a date. We laughed, joked and talked like we hadn't talked in a long time. I told him "we need to do this every week. We need to just drop the kid off at your mom's and have a date. This sort of thing is so good." And he agreed, most definitely.

Then we went to a movie. I asked him to pick the picture. I wanted him to know the night wasn't all about me after all and that he mattered too.  However, even though he picked the film, I think he picked it with me in mind. He knows I love the fantastical, magical and imaginative world of myth and legend.

He chose the most beautiful, imaginative movie, after searching through trailers online. I think it was the best movie I have ever seen, in a long time.

It was called Pan's Labyrinth.

There was magic, love, death, war, fauns and faeries, princesses and kings and queens. It was dark, it was gothic, yet it was full of light and splendor. I believe it was called "a fairy tale for adults."

It was such a wonderful film. I left with a lump in my throat but also, a happiness because the story itself was pure good triumphing over evil.

This film fit what we went through together. He really picked it for me.

As I write this, I look back on the past two days and I ask myself "Did I question my marriage? My faith? Did I lose hope? Did I really think that little girl inside of me wanted to be liked by a friend who was full of jealousy and envy?"

Yet now, to my amazement, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror smiles and I feel I am so close to being recovered, restored to new. 

I believe one of you wrote: 

"As for your faith, this will probably sound strange coming from an atheist like me, but I think you should forget about what other people are doing, saying, and thinking and concentrate on what YOU believe. Plenty of Christians wonder, question, and doubt, but they say it makes their faith stronger. At the end of the day, either you believe or you don't."

This piece of advice has really stuck out for me. It's not hard to figure out who wrote this, if you read through comments, but she knows who she is and if you do find her, she's a wonderful person. She even offered to mail me antibiotics. So many other friends reached out. You all know who you are and you all mean so much to me. We are strangers most of us, but not so much if you think about it.

Thank you all for being a part of my expressive, passionate life.

I'm just so grateful for the man I married. He loves me more than I sometimes realize or could possibly know. Sometimes trying to grasp that knowledge is difficult. One cannot grasp it, one can only lovingly feel it when it comes to pass.

A year has passed since William, my son's, first Christmas and it is now his second. He will get to experience Santa, Elves and the Reindeer. He will be able to appreciate the lights and sounds of the season and be aware of the magic in the air.

My husband Matthew and I are happy this is so. We're happy in general this Christmas Season. Especially me. I have many reasons to be happy this year, the biggest reason -

Our little William.

Besides being thankful for and blessed with a beautiful, perfect child to cheer us and warm out hearts, I am also thankful that I've come so far as a woman, wife and mother. And in just a year's time. I am so grateful for the peace I feel this year. 

I look back a year ago. William was about 3 months old. It was raining non-stop. It seemed like it just rained and rained and wouldn't stop. I had been battling postpartum depression since early November and on Christmas Day, I broke down.

I look back and I think how powerful this horrible disorder can be, how devastating and cruel it can be on a woman and those around her, who love her, and the new baby she's brought into the world.

However, I have always been a strong woman and it wasn't that I didn't want to be a mother and it wasn't that I didn't love my child. I loved him with all my heart and it was him that gave me strength and courage to bring myself and my mind back to normal again.

It took me a while to realize I had this disorder but once I was sure, I got it under control and I sought help.

I look back a year ago at my behavior, my sorrow, my sadness during such a beautiful time and I thank God that I had the strength to defeat it and let the beauty of motherhood conquer the depression I suffered as a new mother, during Christmas.

I thank God that I had my wonderful husband and beautiful baby to inspire me to pull through. I thank God I had family and friends to support me. I thank God for my inner strength and courage to end my postpartum depression and embrace motherhood for the beautiful journey it is.

This year, on Christmas, as everything comes full circle, I thank God again.

Deeply, I am in humble debt to Him for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me and our little family. Never in my life have I enjoyed Christmas more than this year. Never in my life, since I was a child and the magic of Christmas and Jesus touched my life and left me in excited bliss, have I felt such awe.

I feel happiness when I look at all the various Christmas lights adorning the houses of our suburb. I feel happiness when I go shopping, even with the mass amounts of crowds and cranky last-minute shoppers. I feel happiness when I sit by our Christmas tree and savor it's fresh, pine aroma. I feel happiness when I think of the Christmas cards I sent out, bound for many corners of the World, to dear friends and family. I feel happiness when I think of my friends and their families, celebrating their own personal Holidays together. I feel Happiness when I think about the gatherings we will have on Christmas Day, as a family and with extended family.

I feel Happiness when I sit with my husband and sip hot chocolate and listen to The Carpenters singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas." I feel happiness baking Christmas cookies with William tugging my pants, at my feet, looking up at me with wonder in his eyes. I feel happiness thinking of many Christmas's past, of my own childhood, of my mother and father and the warm smiles they exchanged as I opened my presents from Santa.

I feel happiness when I hold my son and watch Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. I feel happiness when I am in bed at night with my husband, his arms around me, as our house radiates warmth from the inside and glows warm from the outside, while the beautiful lights hung on our eves burn through the night.

I feel happy for so many reasons and I am grateful to God for all those reasons on this Christmas Season.

May all who read this have a blessed Christmas Season and New Year with those you love, embracing the happiness this special time of year has to offer, as you forge the memories life is made of.

Matthew, William and I wish you a Merry Christmas.
May it be bright.

Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sun-warmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea.

Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

Do you see the meaning here?

Every man finds himself lost at sea at least once in his life, engulfed in life's angry storms that at times, seem destined to destroy you. But there is courage in the man who will weather every storm he might face, turn his face to the bitter cold wind, bear down and plot a new course.