Kristen's Blog

Why?

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:20:30 -0700

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

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Celebrating, kid style.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:14:16 -0700

How do we celebrate when my best friend, Christina (the one I grew up with and went to school with) comes for a visit? We go to Chuck E. Cheese's!

We eat pizza. We win 455 tickets. We claim a rubber grasshopper, ball and flashing seizure making toy as prizes! We take pictures. We have a blast.

Whack-a-Mole

I kicked ass at Skee-ball (I think that was what it was called) and Whack-a-mole. I haven't had that much fun since I was a kid. My best friend is here. It was William's first time at Chuck E. Cheese's and he loved it. What a wonderful day. And to make things better, tomorrow we're going out again, but to do adult things. THEN! Gary is coming on Friday! And On Saturday, we're all going to go to San Francisco. What fun!

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Pictures of my family and I

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 22:32:50 -0800

A blond + a brown-haired guy = red head

Rat-Dad is gonna EAT YA!

Even the cat gets in on it.

Wait, get the other cat too.

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Kids are funny like that.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 14:02:01 -0800

"Look mom! I wanna marry her!"

My baby is in love.

He's brought his first flame "home to mom" and well, I'm not sure how I feel about it! Or her, I should say. William is 15 months old and he's in love with Marilyn Monroe.

It doesn't matter where I stash one of my favorite movies of all-time, The Seven Year Itch. He'll find it. He will rummage through all of the dvds, cds and Vhs tapes until he finds it. He takes the tape out, discards it on the floor and carries just the box-sleeve around the house as if it's his only prized possession. He'll sit down with it and just stare at the blond beauty on the cover.

He's got it bad.

Now, my son William is strange. He probably got it from his father because he's quite the weird one. But really, it's apparent he's a total eccentric. He has an obsession with spatulas of all things! So, for him to carry around the cover to The Seven Year Itch doesn't come as much of a surprise. It's actually pretty cute. Especially when he stares at Marilyn in her classic white dress pose.

The Seven Year Itch

I have a few coffee table books on Marilyn Monroe. He discovered those today and started pointing, going "Oh! Oh!" at each picture. I had to take them away and put them in a safe place because eventually he thought it would be interesting to pull the pages out and carry those around too. To add to his collection, no doubt.

It's just weird and kinda funny, how kids are.
Especially little boys. They are just too damn cute.

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Family Christmas

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 23:50:08 -0800

Santa baby - He's been an awful good boy this year!

Christmas was wonderful!
I hope everyone on Vox had a wonderful holiday too.

Santa was so good to my son, William, this year! Not only was he immensely spoiled and showered with gifts from family and friends... but apparently Santa didn't forget to check his list (several times at least) regarding William.

William likes to party it up on Christmas

He made out this year...
BIG TIME! Let's just say...
Matthew and I had to rearrange his room to fit it all!

On Christmas Eve, Matthew, William and I spent our day at Matthew's mother's home for the afternoon. All of Matthew's siblings came and we ate, laughed, talked about the outrageous costs of health insurance, computers and trucks. Then we all opened many wonderful presents.

Matthew's mom gave us these heat wraps that she made herself out of flax seed and really, really soft towels. She also gave me an awesome cookbook. Sh also gave William a wooden rocking chair. I gave everyone my cookies, which they loved!

Holy hell... Toy cars!!!

Later that evening we went over to Matthew's dad's and we had a White Elephant gift exchange there, which was so fun. Matthew and I came out with a Cars DVD. Matthew's family showed William in toys of course.

Then, we ate an amazing dinner of home-made prime rib, Ham, mashed potatoes, and all kinds of Christmas goodies. It was delicious!

Later on, we played a game called Loaded Questions, divulging our inner-selves to each other in a totally hilarious guessing game. That was a blast! Then we loaded up the car with William's presents and finally drove home around midnight, exhausted from having fun.

The magical glow of presents under the tree, late on Christmas Eve.

And of course, it being Christmas Eve, we had to get William in bed as quickly as possible because Santa was coming!! Matthew and I watched A Christmas Story ("you'll shoot your eye out kid!") then we set out cookies and milk for Santa and before we went to bed, we had one last look at the tree, glowing beautifully, in our dim-lit living room.

...And then sometime during the night Santa came!

We were so tired from all our festivities on Christmas Eve, we all slept in until 10am on Christmas morning. We woke William up and walked him out to the living room to see the surprise waiting for him.

"Santa came, William!"
we told him, pointing at the presents under our tree to show him. William put his hands on his face, looked at all the presents and said "woowwwww!!"

The Chef's Quarters

We laughed and of course, I went scrambling for the camera as William dove into the pretty wrapped packages from Santa, friends, family and Matthew and I.

An hour passed and hundreds of digital pictures later, we all had our presents opened and William was playing happily in a sea of toys and crumpled up wrapping paper.

William opened all kinds of presents from Santa, family and friends. Somehow Santa JUST KNEW William has an obsession with spatulas, dish washers and kitchen ware, so... he gave William his own kitchen center! Now he can cook his own play food, in his own pots and pans, with his own forks and spatulas!

I love his happiness!

Matthew gave me the new Swiffer Vacuum cleaner, some recipe books, trinkets and candy. I was able to order a few things with a gift certificate I received on Amazon.com! I gave Matthew some flannel pajamas, socks, boxers, the Roto-Zip saw, and a Lego Train set that he's been wanting since he was a kid.

It was all great.

We've all got a little kid in us still.

So after we cleaned the mess of paper up and all the boxes from the toys, we watched our Cars Dvd and ate dinner. I made a ham dinner, with mashed potatoes, gravey and stuffing. I got one of those famous Honey Baked Hams from the online store. It was so good!

Then we took naps. All three of us and slept like babies. I was honestly exhausted from having too much fun and playing with William and his toys! Not to mention all the family gatherings wiping me out.

Christmas aftermath

I'm kind of glad Christmas is over now because life can go back to normal but at the same time, I'm also kind of sad it's over because it was such a wonderful year for us and a truly amazing Christmas. It's an exciting few days, leading up to Christmas, with all the build up of it. Then suddenly it's over and life resumes. It's good normality go forward again but it's sad the magic of Christmas is over so suddenly.

Time flies by so quickly. There's the New Year to look forward to. I've already made my plans and resolutions. That blog is yet to come, but come it will... and soon.

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Christmas joy, victory over postpartum depression, and happiness.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 18:02:51 -0800

Christmas a year ago, with my newborn son William.

A year has passed since William, my son's, first Christmas and it is now his second. He will get to experience Santa, Elves and the Reindeer. He will be able to appreciate the lights and sounds of the season and be aware of the magic in the air.

My husband Matthew and I are happy this is so. We're happy in general this Christmas Season. Especially me. I have many reasons to be happy this year, the biggest reason -

Our little William.

Besides being thankful for and blessed with a beautiful, perfect child to cheer us and warm out hearts, I am also thankful that I've come so far as a woman, wife and mother. And in just a year's time. I am so grateful for the peace I feel this year.

I look back a year ago. William was about 3 months old. It was raining non-stop. It seemed like it just rained and rained and wouldn't stop. I had been battling postpartum depression since early November and on Christmas Day, I broke down.

Wonder in his eyes, curiousity in his touch. Christmas born in his memory, forever.

I look back and I think how powerful this horrible disorder can be, how devastating and cruel it can be on a woman and those around her, who love her, and the new baby she's brought into the world.

However, I have always been a strong woman and it wasn't that I didn't want to be a mother and it wasn't that I didn't love my child. I loved him with all my heart and it was him that gave me strength and courage to bring myself and my mind back to normal again.

It took me a while to realize I had this disorder but once I was sure, I got it under control and I sought help.

I look back a year ago at my behavior, my sorrow, my sadness during such a beautiful time and I thank God that I had the strength to defeat it and let the beauty of motherhood conquer the depression I suffered as a new mother, during Christmas.

That's one happy family moment right there.

I thank God that I had my wonderful husband and beautiful baby to inspire me to pull through. I thank God I had family and friends to support me. I thank God for my inner strength and courage to end my postpartum depression and embrace motherhood for the beautiful journey it is.

This year, on Christmas, as everything comes full circle, I thank God again.

Deeply, I am in humble debt to Him for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me and our little family. Never in my life have I enjoyed Christmas more than this year. Never in my life, since I was a child and the magic of Christmas and Jesus touched my life and left me in excited bliss, have I felt such awe.

I feel happiness when I look at all the various Christmas lights adorning the houses of our suburb. I feel happiness when I go shopping, even with the mass amounts of crowds and cranky last-minute shoppers. I feel happiness when I sit by our Christmas tree and savor it's fresh, pine aroma. I feel happiness when I think of the Christmas cards I sent out, bound for many corners of the World, to dear friends and family. I feel happiness when I think of my friends and their families, celebrating their own personal Holidays together. I feel Happiness when I think about the gatherings we will have on Christmas Day, as a family and with extended family.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree.

I feel Happiness when I sit with my husband and sip hot chocolate and listen to The Carpenters singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas." I feel happiness baking Christmas cookies with William tugging my pants, at my feet, looking up at me with wonder in his eyes. I feel happiness thinking of many Christmas's past, of my own childhood, of my mother and father and the warm smiles they exchanged as I opened my presents from Santa.

Inside the Christmas ornament

I feel happiness when I hold my son and watch Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. I feel happiness when I am in bed at night with my husband, his arms around me, as our house radiates warmth from the inside and glows warm from the outside, while the beautiful lights hung on our eves burn through the night.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

I feel happy for so many reasons and I am grateful to God for all those reasons on this Christmas Season.

May all who read this have a blessed Christmas Season and New Year with those you love, embracing the happiness this special time of year has to offer, as you forge the memories life is made of.

Matthew, William and I wish you a Merry Christmas.
May it be bright.

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Vox Hunt: Dear To Me

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 21:24:44 -0800

Show us something you hold dear.
Submitted by Cindercone.

My son.

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For the married man who forgets

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 15:45:16 -0800

Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sun-warmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea.

Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

-from The Odyssey
Homer

Look for the shore

Do you see the meaning here?

Every man finds himself lost at sea at least once in his life, engulfed in life's angry storms that at times, seem destined to destroy you. But there is courage in the man who will weather every storm he might face, turn his face to the bitter cold wind, bear down and plot a new course.

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Vox Hunt: Pure Emotion

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 12:10:33 -0800

Show us pure emotion.
Submitted by Roxy.

14 minutes after I gave birth.

When my Son William was born, it was the most powerful, happy moment of my life. I was in labor for 15.5 hours. By the time I gave birth to him, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open to hold him. Shortly after this moment, I succumbed to the exhaustion, with him sleeping in my arms, just as tired as I.

When I woke up two hours later, William was in my husband's arms. I asked to hold my baby again. Matthew gently handed him back to me and I began to breastfeed him and study his face. There is no love like this love. At the moment of his birth, at 5:01 on October 19th, 2005, my life changed. It was the happiest day of my life. This is my pure emotion.

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Update: Kitten Named

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 22:29:33 -0800

Butters

It's official. Shadow is now Butters.

We (my husband and I) decided Butters fits his personality best. It's a cute name, I think. Smokey and the Bandit would have been great, but seriously... I think I would have begun to hate that name after a while.

All the other names were so awesome and cute. It was not easy picking out his name but we took our time, weighed all the decisions carefully, and so....

Butters it is.

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