26 posts tagged “friends”

Last night I had a dream that a man came to me in my sleep. He did not have me sexually. He simply put his hand on my forehead, stroked my hair and kissed my cheek. I went to sleep last night with ache in both of my legs. When it is cold outside my legs hurt. In my dream, he eased my pain. He put his hands to my legs and gently rubbed them, pulling out the knots in the muscles and relaxing me. I remember him holding me while I cried. It was mercy. But, when I woke up this morning my leg ache was still there, no one was near me and I truly felt alone.

I feel abandoned by everyone who should be there for me. Some of my dearest friends have made their decisions, their judgments and to them, I'm not worthy of their comfort, empathy or compassion. One could say they aren't truly a friend, but to me they are dear to me. I forgive all too easily. I love with all my heart, even if it rips my heart apart. I need their compassion.
 
I truly long for human contact. It is cold outside and to save money on heating costs, I keep the thermostat on low. I can only cover up in so many blankets before I am wishing for the warmth of another.  I hate the hours where I am here, in my empty apartment. I become excited at the thought of going to work. When I am here, as I am now, in my apartment, I try to find things to do. I cook and I clean. Sometimes I read. But, I do not enjoy it or find the meaning I once found in it. I've lost interest in things I love. I used to draw. I used to paint.

I've become depressed to a point I never thought I would return to. I was here, once, long ago, when I was a child. I was a girl and my parents fought quite a lot. Before the realization, I remember being very small, too young to know of their troubles, and running through corn stalks, thinking how good it was to be alive. Then, slowly over time I became aware of my parents problems. I remember at about the age of 10 coming to a point of despair in which I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I couldn't feel safe. I feel as if I've returned to this feeling.

I want someone to come sit with me. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to look into my eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay. I feel isolation and despair eating me alive. I fear that I no longer have enough vigor left in me to fight. I used to have strength. I used to take a stand for things I didn't feel were right. I would pick myself up and keep on going. I had a plan. Now I see my plans and my hopes and I can't seem to focus on the details, the steps they require. I feel paralyzed. I wish someone would come free me from the prison I am in, trapped inside my own hopelessness. I swear, a simple and consistent it's going to be alright, you can do this, would give me just enough courage and strength to keep going. I need true empathy.

It would be easier if the people telling and talking words would realize it's their actions, their deeds that mean the most, that motivate me and inspire me, keep me pushing through. The words come so easy to say, and to them these words are the solution. I hear the words all around. But for me, high up on a ladder I've started to climb, if I don't see my dearest standing below me, ready to catch me should I fall, I feel nothing but distraught.

I have an apartment of my own now. I will soon have a better job and a car. I'll bring my son home. But right now, at this moment, I feel lost. I'm trying so hard to focus on me. Me. My life. Everyone keeps telling ME that. "Focus on you, Kristen," they all tell me. That's easier said than done. I barely know how. I'm so used to caring for another, nurturing a love, and a family.

I hate to feel this helpless and hopeless. I feel so pathetic. But, I can't help it. It's how I feel. I hate it. It surely will pass though. Somehow I'll adjust. And, maybe by putting this down in writing and posting it, bearing all that makes me feel weak and ashamed, others who might be in my shoes will know they, too, are not alone.

To all of you who have been reaching out, whether you understand all that I'm going through or not, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, I thank you.

The kind words I am finding here on my blog, emails of concern, even advice and experiences shared in divorce, pain and loss, it all means so much to me.

I just want to congratulate my friend Teri, her husband Troy, and their two sons Austin and Cody on the birth of a brand new and healthy baby boy, born today, named Dillan Avery.

Teri, as soon as you get home and can sit properly, we're all expecting pictures of the little one! Better yet, you rest, lay down with the baby and have Troy post the pictures!

So damn happy for ya!

Audio: It's dedication time.  What song are you sending out, and who is it dedicated to?

If I Only Had A Heart

The Tinman

1 comment

 

This is dedicated to Jeff. He'll know why.
Sorry it cuts off short. I couldn't find a better version.

Hard Times

East mountain south

This is dedicated to Marie.
She's a fighter.

Daddy's Hands

The Judds

This is dedicated to my father.

Sweet Nothings

Wanda Jackson

This is dedicated to Joe.

Somewhere over the rainbow

judy garland

This is dedicated to Christina.
Always believe in yourself and your dreams.

Learning To Fly

Tom Petty

This is dedicated to Gary.
Never be afraid of what's out there. Never underestimate your potential.

How do we celebrate when my best friend, Christina (the one I grew up with and went to school with) comes for a visit? We go to Chuck E. Cheese's! 

We eat pizza. We win 455 tickets. We claim a rubber grasshopper, ball and flashing seizure making toy as prizes! We take pictures. We have a blast.

Whack-a-Mole

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What's the last best compliment you gave and/or received?
Submitted by MalieKai.

I get a lot of compliments and I give a lot of compliments. How about instead, what's the best compliment you've been given?

Cate wrote this for me when I was working for Starbucks, tired and frustrated and needing a change in my life. It was the best compliment, gift from a friend, and piece of understanding I've ever received.

The Real Siren:

She stares at the sugar, sticky walls
Feet, stuck to the ground

The coffee bean, stuck to her skin

There's a life outside these milk streaked panes
A bottomless cocktail of possibilities

The apron hides her pain
Her smile, covers her rage

The sugar, the breve, the espresso...
It pumps in the vain.

And the repetitive demands pump in her ear

Her sleep, her stillness
Her bliss, and her heart, seem years away

10 minutes, then 30, then 10 more, then home

She gets the sighs and the stares,
and the "it's not hot enough" glares

A double shot of decaf, her only defense

She's a number, and a paycheck

But Princess Bride outside these doors

She is herself, outside these doors

Outside this house of the Siren
SHE is the muse

To husband, and son

In her world of immortal beauty and grace

She lives, She breathes, She THRIVES...

Full Caf, Extra Hot, and Extra Sweet.

Cate and William, chillin' - Pay no attention to my horrible couch.

I've told her once and I'll say it again: she is so going to make a great mother, a kind of strange (in a good way) mother, but still, a really awesome one.

Cate (CupCate) stopped by yesterday before she and Iain head back to London tomorrow. I'm going to miss that girl! It's hard when you spend time with someone so special and then they go away for a long time. Thankfully, we have internet and dear old Vox to keep in touch.

Without those outlets, Cate, I'd have to replace you and find another best friend! Haha, just kidding!

Well, anyway... I was an extremely boring hostess but we ate a lot of pizza. Also, Cate and William really hit it off. She's so good with kids! Normally it will take William a good two hours to warm up to people but right away he was cool with her and had a blast with her, as she made silly noises, made silly faces and insisted he put his bunny on top of his head - which he thought was hilarious.

Making silly faces at the baby (already a mom).

1 comment

This probably won't mean much to anyone else but one person. So, if you feel like listening to a lovely song and watching a tree which you probably won't ever recognize, be my guest. It's a special tree of mine, one I visit often. One day it became special not only to me, but to another. His name is Marty.

When I visit this tree, I feel happy. I think of my friend Marty as well as my other friends. I like to lay under this tree in the soft, lush green grass that surrounds it's trunk and look up into it's branches. It's a long walk to get to this tree but it's worth it because I feel so at peace when I'm near it. Sometimes you can see funny faces in this tree. Since I'm a  daydreamer of imaginative things, I like to think sprites and faeries live in this tree. I'm silly, I know.

Last of all, what I have to say is for Marty...

My friend, I cannot thank you enough for the kind words you wrote about me in your blog and I cannot thank you for every kind word you've told me before that. I know we've had our trials and things haven't always been perfect, but somehow you and I have managed to beat the odds and stay close friends. With Matthew's help, I made this for you.

Isn't she just a ray of sunshine?

I want to talk about one of my absolute best friends today.

Christina.

I have known Christina since 9th grade band class. She played the flute and she hated it. I was never really good either but I always enjoyed the musical aspect of learning. It beat math class that's for sure. All I know is it was my favorite class and it was where I met her. She was new and had just moved from another town to our tiny little hick town. She looked lost and forlorn.

Somehow, I'm not sure how, Christina and I became friends. We seemed to gravitate towards each other, have the same musical interests, know the same inner circle of friends and most of all we seemed to just "get" each other. Maybe I was a little lost at the time too, but either way, we were perfect for each other and destined to be friends.

Some of my favorite memories are of Christina and I.

I remember we'd sit in the hallway for lunch instead of hang out in the usual areas all the other kids hung out in. We'd get one of those nasty, super-dry deli sandwiches from the small-town grocery store across the street, bring it back and split it, usually along with a candy bar. We never ate well. We'd just sit there talking shit about people, mostly Scott Jones (my annoying neighbor) and his band of cronies (his friends). Sometimes we'd stuff the lockers of people we didn't like full of our wrappers.

Often our teachers would walk by and give us a look as if to say "you two belong in the looney bin." And they were probably right.

Christina with my son William.

Of course there were the times her and I would walk endlessly. We'd walk our asses off and we'd laugh like we were high. The thing I loved about our friendship is her and I had so much good, clean fun and we never once touched drugs. Our giddiness was 100% natural. Christina and I should have moved to New York and starred on Saturday Night Live. That was always a dream of mine and I'm sure we could have pulled it off.

If we weren't walking on a natural non-high, we were at my house or her house calling up our dear friend "627 Guy." This man was married - at least we think, because the only time we didn't get the answering machine was on Christmas Day, when his wife or girl friend picked up and we had nothing but "uhhhhhhhh" - click, to say.

627 Guy was this guy we pranked all the time, like literally, every day. One day Christina picked a random number and called it and soon after figured out this guy never answered his phone. Thankfully he had an answering machine. She introduced me to 627 Guy and pretty soon, every day, we were calling him and filling up his machine's tape. This was before caller I.D. by the way.

Like I said, we were either pranking 627 guy or we were walking around seeing who we could annoy. We were good kids (that were just really good at hiding our bad sides). I was Christina's sidekick and she was mine.

To this day Christina and I are still the best of friends. I remember the day I left. I was a week past my 18th birthday and though it killed me to leave her behind, I had to. I couldn't live the rest of my life in that town. Christina and I have always kept in touch.

As I was saying, we've always kept each other close at heart and we've always been close. We've managed to get each other through life's rough stuff. Well, a few weeks ago, Christina informed me she was having health issues. Without going into detail, I will say that my best friend in the whole world is now contending with cancer. In a couple of weeks she will be 24.

It has been absolutely devastating for me. Christina, on the other hand, has amazed me with an extremely positive and optimistic outlook. It's as if this is just some meager obstacle in her way she refuses to let bring her down. While I've been sick with worry, she's been rolling with the punches and laughing it off. That's what I love about Christina. She can laugh her way through anything in life. I mean ANYTHING. Cancer even! At the age of 24 mind you!

Me and my best friend Christina on a cliff by the sea.

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Nobody in this world makes me laugh and feel more alive than she does. Christina is nothing but a breath of fresh air. She always teases me about how I hate mornings. To me, nothing is good in the mornings. To me, the day doesn't start until about noon. But every time I do rise in the mornings (only because I have to), even though my body wants to go back to bed, I always think of her. I always smile when the sun shines through the window from the east because it reminds me of her bright, shiny, positive persona.

While Christina's doctor has just diagnosed her with the beginnings of cervical cancer, she is laughing in defiance. She is such an inspiration to me and I'm absolutely blessed that she is my best friend.