6 posts tagged “hurt”

I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the  place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

To all of you who have been reaching out, whether you understand all that I'm going through or not, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, I thank you.

The kind words I am finding here on my blog, emails of concern, even advice and experiences shared in divorce, pain and loss, it all means so much to me.

I want to admit something.

I think it was I who gave up long before he did. I think it was me who stopped loving as I should. I know that I was leaving him a long time ago. I think that over the course of time, he, too, was leaving me, but hadn't gone as far as I did. I think he would have held on until his death. I guess I am not so loyal.

I thought I might have contradicted myself yesterday when I wrote about the love in his voice, when I hear it. How could I say he still loves me when I also said we stopped loving one another? Yet, in my defense, I think it's fair to say that I didn't feel loved, understood or appreciated like I needed.

However, I blind-sighted him. He didn't know I was gone until I left. But he should have known. Can't we see the rain coming in distant storm clouds? Is it so much to ask from a husband that he pay attention?

I will not cast the blame because I am just as responsible. I did the leaving. I just wish some days that he would have tried harder to give a damn

Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."  

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

Today is the most depressing day of the year - Blue Monday. Why is that? The weather? I don't know. I think that it's ironic though, that today is considered the most depressing day of the year because I myself am very depressed today.

Ever feel completely physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually down? I don't think I feel so bad as to say I'm hopeless. I can't ever be that low. I'm too strong. Hope is all I have. But nevertheless, I am really, really sad today. I don't mean for this to sound like a pity-party or a cry for help even. I just hurt. In every way. And I need to express my feelings.

I'm physically low.

I have a terrible flu. It's going to my lungs and today I coughed up blood. Matthew and I don't have medical insurance right now. I have a UT or bladder infection too. It's just starting so I'm hoping I can beat it with lots of cranberry juice and Azo. I feel like I'm coming down with a fever, however. That means it's most likely a bladder infection. I really don't want to end up in the ER.

I'm mentally low.

I am depressed. The past two weeks have taken their toll on me. To make a long story short, my best friend from childhood has decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Money is tight, very tight. We are trying to save up for our move in the spring and I am terrified and worried as to how we are going to do it.

I feel alienated from some of my family members. I don't know what I can do or how I can tell them how much they matter to me and I need them.

My husband and I have been having problems. I feel under appreciated in all I do as a wife and mother. He thinks that running a household and raising our son isn't enough to define "work." I lashed out at him after he told me that "he doesn't see me doing anything and I spend too much time online."

We got into a horrible fight. I tried to express my feelings calmly at first, but he took everything so personally, I ended up crying my eyes out as he walked out of the house.

I told him one reason I am online so much, writing, blogging, and chatting is because I don't feel appreciated or remembered, so I go looking for friendships to fill the void in my heart. I just wanted him to see that it's the little things, like telling me I'm beautiful, thanking me for dinner, doing his laundry, or offering to take the trash out that make me a happy wife.

I am emotionally low.

I've done so much crying lately, I feel drained. I've also been shutting down emotionally and I feel empty inside. I feel void of life, laughter or spirit. I am stuck here in this house, with no driver's license, or freedom except to walk to Carmichael Park or BigLots to look at things I can't afford to have. I try to stay active by going on walks in my neighborhood and drowning my emotions in music. Matthew doesn't think it's worth our time for me to get my driver's license because we'd have to pay an extra $150 a month in car insurance.

Well, if I'm not even worth that, what am I worth? Do I not matter? Why can't I drive? Why can't I be able to go get groceries or take myself somewhere other than this suburb I am sick of looking at day after day. I feel so worthless. I've been waiting so patiently for him to agree to let me drive. I don't know any other wives or women my age who don't have a driver's license. I love my husband and I respect his wishes but sometimes I feel like he doesn't want me to be happy because it's another inconvenience for him.

I tried to tell him this. I think he understood. I think he listened. But he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't say anything. He is switched off emotionally himself and I can't read his mind. I don't know what he's thinking. I NEED him to speak to me, to work with me, to compromise with me. I'm willing to get a part time job so I can help pay for the extra costs of driving. I've also told him if I could drive, I could start that pet sitting business I've always wanted to start.

I'm spiritually low.

I believe in God. I think I do. I'm just not sure anymore...

Lately I've experienced real doubt about my religion - Christianity. I have friends and family members who are self-richeous Christians, passing judgments on me and others, not practicing their beliefs, being so cold and un-Christ like. It leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I see so many Christians lying, cheating, judging, harassing, being hypocritical. I see more bad Christians than good Christians.

As a Christian, I know I am supposed to be patient with them, love them and forgive them. I try my best. I try as hard as I can but I myself catch myself passing judgments on them too. I just feel so jaded! I can't seem to move past the judgments and cruelty that have been passed upon me for my mistakes or poor behaviors. I feel lost. I don't know if I believe in Christianity anymore. I don't know if I want to. I love Jesus Christ and I want to strive to be more like him, but it's so hard to believe in something that has become so tainted in not just my eyes, but the eyes of the world as well.

I'm just not myself these days.

I've always fought for happiness but I'm finding myself so low, I don't have much a fight in me. I've been trying to stay focused, occupied and busy. I will bake. I'll go on walks. But all in all and truthfully, I feel overwhelmed. I'm tired of putting on a happy face when I'm not happy inside. I want to give up in every way when my husband forgets me, when I lose faith, when I feel poorly and when I'm uncomfortable. Because of the fact I want to give up, I feel like a coward. I feel weak. I should be able to carry on.

I know one thing for sure. I have to be strong. My baby needs me. My child needs his mother to be strong, to push on and be courageous. It's just so hard right now.

I can only hope and keep on going.

Hopefully my husband will remember to let me know I'm important to him and I can learn to be a more appreciative, less resentful wife. Hopefully he and I can come to a compromise.

Hopefully I'll get over my flu and fight off this UT infection and be able to get back into the swing of things. I want to feel better. I'll go to the doctor if it gets much worse and I'll worry about the bill later.

Hopefully I can reconnect with friends and family I feel alienated with and if I can't, so be it. Hopefully I'll move on and learn acceptance. I can't make someone care or understand or even like me.

Hopefully I can restore my mental state to a more strong outlook. Hopefully I can find that fire inside of me that exists and rekindle it. I think with writing this, my friends and family will read this and reach out and I can let them support me, help me and encourage me.

Hopefully I can find my faith again and restore it to what it should be. Hopefully I can move past the hypocracy and judgments, learn to forgive, accept and move on from even the so-called Christians, and hope they will come around and realize what they do.

Hope is all I have when I feel this low.