44 posts tagged “life”

Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"

My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.

I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.

However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.

It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!

I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.

I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.

The word that comes to mind is, anguish.

I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the  place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

I want to admit something.

I think it was I who gave up long before he did. I think it was me who stopped loving as I should. I know that I was leaving him a long time ago. I think that over the course of time, he, too, was leaving me, but hadn't gone as far as I did. I think he would have held on until his death. I guess I am not so loyal.

I thought I might have contradicted myself yesterday when I wrote about the love in his voice, when I hear it. How could I say he still loves me when I also said we stopped loving one another? Yet, in my defense, I think it's fair to say that I didn't feel loved, understood or appreciated like I needed.

However, I blind-sighted him. He didn't know I was gone until I left. But he should have known. Can't we see the rain coming in distant storm clouds? Is it so much to ask from a husband that he pay attention?

I will not cast the blame because I am just as responsible. I did the leaving. I just wish some days that he would have tried harder to give a damn

Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."  

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

William is a year and a half now. He's still a baby but he's starting to act, look and be more of a child - a kid. It's been wonderful watching him grow, change and become the adorable little guy he is, but at the same time, it makes me sad because he's growing up so fast. Sometimes I want him to stay my little baby forever.

He has teeth now. He talks a bit. He runs. He's starting to try the doorknobs and with all this activity comes accidents. Lately, my son has been reverting back to his smaller days, when he was but a wee one, a baby. He'll have a spill and he'll get hurt and where does he come? He comes to me. He also makes sure to grab his blanket and have me wrap him up in it, hold him, sing to him, baby him, comfort him and make it all better.

I can't help it. I just have to. I know I can't coddle him every time he falls or gets hurt, but when he comes to me with those big, round, teared-up eyes of his, I can't say no. I know there will come a day when he'll get hurt and he won't come to me. I know there will come a day when he'd be too big to fit in my lap anyway. While he's little like this, it's just something I must do.

Mommies love

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This probably won't mean much to anyone else but one person. So, if you feel like listening to a lovely song and watching a tree which you probably won't ever recognize, be my guest. It's a special tree of mine, one I visit often. One day it became special not only to me, but to another. His name is Marty.

When I visit this tree, I feel happy. I think of my friend Marty as well as my other friends. I like to lay under this tree in the soft, lush green grass that surrounds it's trunk and look up into it's branches. It's a long walk to get to this tree but it's worth it because I feel so at peace when I'm near it. Sometimes you can see funny faces in this tree. Since I'm a  daydreamer of imaginative things, I like to think sprites and faeries live in this tree. I'm silly, I know.

Last of all, what I have to say is for Marty...

My friend, I cannot thank you enough for the kind words you wrote about me in your blog and I cannot thank you for every kind word you've told me before that. I know we've had our trials and things haven't always been perfect, but somehow you and I have managed to beat the odds and stay close friends. With Matthew's help, I made this for you.

Isn't she just a ray of sunshine?

I want to talk about one of my absolute best friends today.

Christina.

I have known Christina since 9th grade band class. She played the flute and she hated it. I was never really good either but I always enjoyed the musical aspect of learning. It beat math class that's for sure. All I know is it was my favorite class and it was where I met her. She was new and had just moved from another town to our tiny little hick town. She looked lost and forlorn.

Somehow, I'm not sure how, Christina and I became friends. We seemed to gravitate towards each other, have the same musical interests, know the same inner circle of friends and most of all we seemed to just "get" each other. Maybe I was a little lost at the time too, but either way, we were perfect for each other and destined to be friends.

Some of my favorite memories are of Christina and I.

I remember we'd sit in the hallway for lunch instead of hang out in the usual areas all the other kids hung out in. We'd get one of those nasty, super-dry deli sandwiches from the small-town grocery store across the street, bring it back and split it, usually along with a candy bar. We never ate well. We'd just sit there talking shit about people, mostly Scott Jones (my annoying neighbor) and his band of cronies (his friends). Sometimes we'd stuff the lockers of people we didn't like full of our wrappers.

Often our teachers would walk by and give us a look as if to say "you two belong in the looney bin." And they were probably right.

Christina with my son William.

Of course there were the times her and I would walk endlessly. We'd walk our asses off and we'd laugh like we were high. The thing I loved about our friendship is her and I had so much good, clean fun and we never once touched drugs. Our giddiness was 100% natural. Christina and I should have moved to New York and starred on Saturday Night Live. That was always a dream of mine and I'm sure we could have pulled it off.

If we weren't walking on a natural non-high, we were at my house or her house calling up our dear friend "627 Guy." This man was married - at least we think, because the only time we didn't get the answering machine was on Christmas Day, when his wife or girl friend picked up and we had nothing but "uhhhhhhhh" - click, to say.

627 Guy was this guy we pranked all the time, like literally, every day. One day Christina picked a random number and called it and soon after figured out this guy never answered his phone. Thankfully he had an answering machine. She introduced me to 627 Guy and pretty soon, every day, we were calling him and filling up his machine's tape. This was before caller I.D. by the way.

Like I said, we were either pranking 627 guy or we were walking around seeing who we could annoy. We were good kids (that were just really good at hiding our bad sides). I was Christina's sidekick and she was mine.

To this day Christina and I are still the best of friends. I remember the day I left. I was a week past my 18th birthday and though it killed me to leave her behind, I had to. I couldn't live the rest of my life in that town. Christina and I have always kept in touch.

As I was saying, we've always kept each other close at heart and we've always been close. We've managed to get each other through life's rough stuff. Well, a few weeks ago, Christina informed me she was having health issues. Without going into detail, I will say that my best friend in the whole world is now contending with cancer. In a couple of weeks she will be 24.

It has been absolutely devastating for me. Christina, on the other hand, has amazed me with an extremely positive and optimistic outlook. It's as if this is just some meager obstacle in her way she refuses to let bring her down. While I've been sick with worry, she's been rolling with the punches and laughing it off. That's what I love about Christina. She can laugh her way through anything in life. I mean ANYTHING. Cancer even! At the age of 24 mind you!

Me and my best friend Christina on a cliff by the sea.

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Nobody in this world makes me laugh and feel more alive than she does. Christina is nothing but a breath of fresh air. She always teases me about how I hate mornings. To me, nothing is good in the mornings. To me, the day doesn't start until about noon. But every time I do rise in the mornings (only because I have to), even though my body wants to go back to bed, I always think of her. I always smile when the sun shines through the window from the east because it reminds me of her bright, shiny, positive persona.

While Christina's doctor has just diagnosed her with the beginnings of cervical cancer, she is laughing in defiance. She is such an inspiration to me and I'm absolutely blessed that she is my best friend.

What's something you should would never throw away.

Baby Things.

Clothes William has grown out of such as onsies, booties, socks, premie hoodies, shoes and hats. Also, things like my pregnancy journal, the scrapbook I made of his birth with all the cards we received, hospital bracelets, and ultrasound pictures. I'll keep novelties from my baby shower, binkies, bottles, even my maternity clothes.

I'll keep it all.

Forever.

Baby things

Baby scrapbook

When did he become a toddle-tot?

When did my son become a year and a half? How? How does it happen so fast?

He's growing up before my eyes and it breaks my heart. Yet at the same time, my heart sings for him. He is his own person. He has his own future to forge, many miles to walk and new things to discover.

This time last year William was learning to crawl. This time last year I could still fit him in the crook of my arm and hold him while he sucked down a bottle. Now he is turning into a little boy. He doesn't drink bottles so mcuh or like babyfood anymore. He likes cherios and pizza. He walks and runs! He doesn't like to be held. He wants to go-go-go! And nothing can stop him.

I took William to the park a few days ago. It was kind of spring day here in California where the grass is vibrant green, tulips are popping open, and the trees are in bloom, budding with new life.

We came into the park and I stopped the stroller under a very special tree we often visit. I let him out and he walked for what seemed like miles through the grass and trees. I couldn't believe how sure-footed he was! He just kept on going, far past our tree and stroller, and pretty soon I realized how tired I was.

So happy!

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While he was insistant on running and going non-stop, I had to sit down and it was then I knew I wasn't a kid anymore. Not even a teenager! I don't have his energy. That was perfectly okay though...because just watching him run through the grass with that smile of his was enough to make me beam with pride and forget the fact I'm not as young as I used to be.

He was so happy that day. I swear, I never saw him smile so big. He laughed for what seemed like no reason at all and I found myself laughing right along with him, and trying to catch my breath too.

What is this... a flower?

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I had to run ahead of him to get many pictures. He's that fast, but get pictures I did and I captured a very precious moment, one I will carry with me forever.

William had never seen a dandilion before. He was running along when all of a sudden he stopped in his tracks and went "Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" I noticed his shadow stretching across the grass and the knowledge he has his own life struck me then, as it often does. He was staring at the dandilion, so intrigued. He stooped down and he met the flower, face to face, observing it from all angles.

I picked one and blew on it, sending its petals falling and blowing in the wind. He laughed and he too tried to blow on another dandilion not far away. Of course he couldn't quite figure it out - but he will. He will figure it out. He will do many happy things.
 

It's a dandilion!

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