I am sad and my bed is empty and no one is near. No one speaks. My dwelling is quiet except for the dryer tumbling wet towels and the erratic off and on spurts of my thought as I type the bullshit out.

I have all this love to burn and sometimes it feels like there's not a soul to feel it's warmth. The weight of it compiles and the want grows bigger, and becomes a burden needing to be burned. So here I am lighting fire to it, as best I can.

I want someone to love me, to fucking save me and make me whole through compassion in every sense. I realized by the words of another that this is an impossibility. No one can save anyone. No one can restore another. That only person who can make me whole is myself, even if someone comes along claiming to be my personal savior.

I do want someone to make the answers seem simple, even if the answers are anything but. I want arms around me. I want someone to drive into me and thrust my sadness, loneliness and pain away and MEAN it with every muscle in their body. And afterwards, look at me and through through the eyes, convey what was just done - a healing. Then, arms. Arms that don't let go.

Maybe there can be temporary bliss and restoration but a dreamy completion from another can't be. No one can save anyone. I can only be there for the one's I love and hope another at the right time, or the other who is right, will open up, or come along and at least stand behind me and beside me for the darker days, for the healing, the happy moments that do come, and for the pleasure exchange of caressing the soul's wounds.

I wonder why more people don't seize every opportunity they have to love one another, especially those deserving and wealthy to give, especially those who are so sore, aching and in need of a reckoning and a trusting release. I wonder why some dwell on the pain and misery of others and what they can't have, or what is empty and lost and not worth saving. Anyone can love another and one should, even if some are not worthy, but there comes a time for weaning one's self from the lesser worthy and spreading hope, healing and faith to those who need it most. That is my philosophy.

What I wish to say is I wish one would say, "Yes, I will save you." That's not going to happen. Yet I wish it would. So I will burn what I want and can't have with hard words. Perhaps a new, soft growth will one day rekindle. In the meantime, I can shelter those I love with what is left of my heart and soul.

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I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the  place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

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Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

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I want to admit something.

I think it was I who gave up long before he did. I think it was me who stopped loving as I should. I know that I was leaving him a long time ago. I think that over the course of time, he, too, was leaving me, but hadn't gone as far as I did. I think he would have held on until his death. I guess I am not so loyal.

I thought I might have contradicted myself yesterday when I wrote about the love in his voice, when I hear it. How could I say he still loves me when I also said we stopped loving one another? Yet, in my defense, I think it's fair to say that I didn't feel loved, understood or appreciated like I needed.

However, I blind-sighted him. He didn't know I was gone until I left. But he should have known. Can't we see the rain coming in distant storm clouds? Is it so much to ask from a husband that he pay attention?

I will not cast the blame because I am just as responsible. I did the leaving. I just wish some days that he would have tried harder to give a damn

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Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."  

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

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William is a year and a half now. He's still a baby but he's starting to act, look and be more of a child - a kid. It's been wonderful watching him grow, change and become the adorable little guy he is, but at the same time, it makes me sad because he's growing up so fast. Sometimes I want him to stay my little baby forever.

He has teeth now. He talks a bit. He runs. He's starting to try the doorknobs and with all this activity comes accidents. Lately, my son has been reverting back to his smaller days, when he was but a wee one, a baby. He'll have a spill and he'll get hurt and where does he come? He comes to me. He also makes sure to grab his blanket and have me wrap him up in it, hold him, sing to him, baby him, comfort him and make it all better.

I can't help it. I just have to. I know I can't coddle him every time he falls or gets hurt, but when he comes to me with those big, round, teared-up eyes of his, I can't say no. I know there will come a day when he'll get hurt and he won't come to me. I know there will come a day when he'd be too big to fit in my lap anyway. While he's little like this, it's just something I must do.

Mommies love

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I haven't been sleeping well at night lately.
I'm not sure why.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep and once I do,  if I do, I toss and turn. Maybe it's all the excitement that's happened lately, which I can't complain about and I'm not! Maybe it's a combination of worry over our move in two months and money. I've had some personal problems with a friend that have kept me in a funk and also I'm not getting enough physical activity in my day.

I haven't been to Starbucks either! So don't think It's the coffee. I rarely drink it these days. I'm just an insomniac right now and it really stinks.

Often at night when I can't sleep I'll toss and turn to the point I give up and just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. I get to thinking about my life and how much I love it. I think about all the turmoil I've been through in my life and how hard I've fought to get to where I am now. It occurs to me how lucky I am for all I have.

Then, I think of the baby that is sleeping in the room next to ours and I smile.
He's the best thing of all.

When William my son was born, my life changed so dramatically. To say he's a miracle is putting it lightly. Maybe to some it may not seem like a big deal. People have children. There's millions of us on this planet and we all came from one mother. But to me there's nothing regular about my son. There's nothing regular about how he's impacted my life.

William has given me so much courage, strength, hope and happiness. I cannot truly express in words how dear he is to me. William's birth was nothing ordinary, to me. Though he may have been born amongst thousands of others on that morning in October of 2005, he'll always be the reason I live and the greatest joy I've ever known.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, like lately, I sit up in bed and put my feet to the floor. Carefully and every so quietly I press my weight down on the hard, wooden slats and stand up. I sneak through the bathroom that connects to his room, as if I were a feather on air, so quiet. I turn the knob gently and push lightly. I peek my head through the crack to make sure I haven't woken William and spoiled the moment.

Sleeping William

He's always sleeping. I never wake him.
I'm quiet enough every time.

I push the door lightly enough and cringe as it brushes over the carpet making the wooshing sound that might be the final blow. Sometimes he stirs but he never wakes up from his sweet little slumber.

I put my foot out and tip toe across the room to his crib. There he is, sleeping like an angel. Usually he'll be out of his covers, sleeping with his butt in the air. I alway smile at this. I wonder how someone can sleep with their head turned sideways, their arms splayed out and their knees tucked so high that their butt sticks up into the air. He seems to do just fine this way. He's always slept through the night.

I put the blanket over him one night, not long ago and he stirred, and in his sleep muttered "Hi Kitty," sighed, then turned over. I just stood there by his crib smiling down at him, thinking how precious of a moment I just witnessed and how it was worth every second of sleep lost to see it.

Every night for the past week I've woken in the middle of the night and crept into his room to see him sleep. Every night I grow more and more peaceful each time I see him. I find myself returning to my bed and falling fast asleep.

William is my cure to everything. He makes me happy to no end and he helps me sleep when I cannot. Someday I hope he'll understand how deeply I love him and how grateful I am that he is here, blessing my life.

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Love that endures the test of time.

This is beautiful.

Locked in an eternal embrace, it seems they died together literally in each other's arms. I'm sure many of you have heard about this recent archaeological find in Italy. I've seen this picture on the national, local news, in the newspapers, magazines and in many blogs. I can't help tear up every time.

People are talking about these two. People are moved by these two. They have been hugging for 5,000 years.

To me this find could very well be one of the greatest archaeological finds of all time. To me this represents the human desire to love and be loved. Looking at this, I suddenly recognize and feel that no matter what perils we as mankind face, no matter what evils or cruelties there are in our lives and in time, there will always be love.

If there is life on other planets, I wonder do they love as we do? I think this find is beautiful. They are beautiful. Their love is beautiful. Looking at them, I feel very grateful for love... and to be a human being.

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Yesterday and today were probably the best days of my life next to marrying my husband and the birth of my son. Yesterday I found out my post won the Vox World Tour. Yesterday I found out I was going around the world! And because I won, the person who invited me to Vox wins too! Even my best friend  Cate gets to go!

Cate, who would have thought? I mean honestly! This is insane! [This is good]

A year ago, Cate and I barely knew each other! We were just a couple of Starbucks girls. Who would have thought our friendship would amount to this wonderful surprise! Who would have thought because we met, became friends, and Cate invited me to Vox and I wrote that post, that we'd get the opportunity to go around the world!!?!

Last night I wanted to tell everyone in my 'hood.'
I wanted to shout it from the mountain blog-tops last night but I was on order to keep it to myself until the news was announced. It was killing me! I wanted to blog: "HOLY CRAP! I WON! OH MY DEAR LORD!" But I couldn't!

And, I must have checked TeamVox's blog a gazillion times before finally crashing into bed at 2am! I didn't sleep much last night. How does one sleep after being told they won something so fantastic!?

I remember quite clearly dreaming in text. That's when you know you've had too much computer time!

Yes, that's right. I was literally dreaming in words.

Text appeared in my dreams as events unfolded. It was bizarre and I often woke up freaking out from words being played out before my eyes in my sleep, only to fall asleep again with a big goofy smile on my face, cuddled up next to my husband with the thought on my mind "I did something good." More text dreams followed until I finally hit R.E.M. sleep sometime in the wee morning hours. So then, basically I overslept. I felt like my mind was about to rocket itself right out of my skull from all the excitement!

I woke up and laid in bed until 11am. I know what you're thinking - lazy slob! But... thankfully my husband took the day off from work so I could relax and enjoy this special day. I laid in bed for what seemed like an eternity asking myself:

"did this really happen? Is it real? Was I dreaming? Am I really going on these trips? For writing? For expressing myself? For believing and hoping?"

Yes, I am going! I'm going around the world! Holy cow!

The first thing I did after lying in bed in a dazed, happy stupor, was reach for my laptop. I logged on just a few short minutes after the announcement was made. The comments and emails began to flow and once again, my tears.

I was overwhelmed with people congratulating me, wishing me well, praising me and my post that won, sending me emails of personal congrats and advice on the cities I'll be visiting. I've even received offers from people letting me know if I need a digital camera or picture phone, I can have theirs! Their own personal equipment! All day long I've received comments and emails from all walks of life, sharing their happiness for me.

And yet, even in the midst of all this fantastic joy, I can't believe I won!
It's still not set in fully. I may be in shock for days! I may be in shock forever!

These kind of things don't happen to me!
Me? Kristen. Mom. Wife. ME! Suzie Homemaker herself!

How is it I won? What luck is this? Did I really write something so inspirational and meaningful to win a contest I had no idea I was going to win? I had completely dismissed the possibility I'd win after I clicked "save." To say I was surprised would be putting it way too lightly.

I was shocked! Floored! Stunned! Astounded! Astonished! Amazed and downright dumbfounded!

When Mena Trott, owner of Vox and Six Apart told me over the phone that I had won, I think I may have wet myself a little! Seriously, I was in complete shock. I didn't know what to say or do. I just know that I basically freaked out, flipped out and started bawling like a baby while at the same time laughing hysterically. You may have heard the recording.

My Happiness

I was so embarrassed! I hate my voice! I sound like a little girl or a "As if" Valley Girl. But I have to laugh each time I listen to it. I sounded so hysterical and also like someone who suspects a joke is being played on them! It was no joke, however, to my absolute astonishment.

I'm going to cherish this memory forever.

So, imagine this:

What I thought was a scheduled Vox Beta Tester Phone Survey actually turned out to be a little trick to tell me I was the winner of the Vox World Tour, and after I hung up the phone upon finding this amazing news out, I literally ran around my house for 10 minutes giggling, screaming, whooping, crying, jumping up and down, I may have farted even, laughing hysterically, and opening my front door and screaming to my dog on the porch...

"Oliver! I WON the contest!" The dog really wasn't impressed.

Then I called my husband.

Me:  Hello Matthew!
Matthew: Hi.. are you ok? You sound like you've been crying?
Me: I'M GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! GUESS WHAT!
Me: You'll NEVER guess
Me: TRY to guess!

Matthew: Uhh... I don't know, what?
Me: I won the Vox World Tour!!!!!!! Remember me telling you about it!? I won! I WON!

Matthew: What? (long lause)
Matthew: Oh my GOD! (hysterical laughing)
Me: I KNOW! I won! (crying, laughing, peeing myself)

Matthew: Holy shit! WOW! You really ARE a good writer!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *squeal, giggle, scream*

Matthew: Wow! I'm in shock!
Me: ME TOO! I've been shaking since I found out! I think I peed myself a little bit!

After I hung up with my husband, I picked up my baby and swung him around in my arms. "Mommy won, mommy won, aren't you so proud of me?" He was laughing and giggling too. I then ran around the house, giggling and jumping some more. This was pretty much my entire night.

I think I said to my husband at least five thousand times last night, "I can't believe this!"

Me and Dad - Once upon a Carousel.

After I called my husband, I then called my father. He was absolutely stunned. He told me how proud he was of me and how he always knew I had a gift. He kept asking me:

"Is this real? Are you sure it's not a prank?"
"Wow! Around the world! Kristen, that's amazing! I can't believe this! I am so proud of you!"

To hear the joy and giddiness in my dad's voice was overwhelming. My heart filled up with joy and nearly burst. Honestly, I'd love to share more of what he said to me but it was so special, I want to keep it between just me and him. I want to hold his words close to my heart and never let them go.


Still, even after hours have passed since I found out... I just don't understand it! Why me? I don't win anything!

I'm just a stay-at-home mom of a 15 month old baby boy. My days consist of waking up, cooking breakfast, changing diapers, cleaning the floors and the bathroom, doing dishes, cleaning kitty litter pans, changing more diapers, making dinner, cleaning more, taking trash out and if I have time, walking around my suburb and blogging about my mundane daily activities as a housewife. I don't get it!

People have told me I have a way with words. But I'm just a 25 year old high school drop-out with no driver's license who likes to wear aprons, cook, clean and invent clever recipes. Sure, there's more to me than that, like the fact I am an artist and a good photographer but honestly, I don't see these things! I don't have super high confidence in myself. It's hard for me to believe in me!

Yet, I write. I continue to express myself and in doing so, I've inspired others. Vox has given me an outlet to voice my feelings, my fears, my demons and my triumphs. Vox has allowed me the opportunities to inspire others and encourage them, even though, I myself, have a hard time believing in my capabilities.

I'm just a housewife.

However, this housewife has learned something here. I really am a writer. I could make something of myself. I should. I ought to. People have told me and I should be listening. It's really time for me to stop ignoring the potential I have and honor the gift I've been given.

From Mena:

I'm really happy for you and I'm glad that we could give you this opportunity. Like I said, your entry really moved us all -- I actually teared up reading the part about Three Amigos and your dad. And from the reaction on Vox, people are so happy that you won this trip!

Winning the Vox World Tour has opened my eyes. When I go on this grand adventure, it won't be just for me. I will take pictures and record my feelings and experiences of this trip in detail so that every person I hold dear and every person on Vox who wanted to go can be a part of this adventure themselves.

I'll take my dad and take him on the adventure of his life. I'll show him how much his love and dedication has meant to me. We'll walk up the Eiffel Tower together, we'll stand together and hold hands as father and daughter at the Mona Lisa and ponder her meaning, as so many have. Then we'll travel the corridors of the Louvre and devour as much art as we can. We'll travel around the world together and bond as father and daughter and on the journey, forge some of the best memories and lessons learned a human being could obtain.

But most importantly, I will be going not just for myself and my father, but for everyone on Vox and all those who dream, to see the world and know upon my return, I'll finish my education and refine the talent I've been given.

I will write. I will shoot for the stars. I will inspire.

I just want to thank the creators of Vox and everyone who participates in the Vox community for their emails, comments and warm thoughts. I am overjoyed and overwhelmed by Vox and all of you who make up the fibers of it's wonderful fabric.

Seriously... It took me SIX tries to get the following video recorded. I went through hell! But I wanted to extend a personal thank you, despite my camera fear and absolute death-gripping anxiety of being "out there" for all to see!

I'm not trying to sound like a Hollywood brat on stage with my emmy, crying fake emotional tears of "first of all I want to Thank God." Seriously, gag me there. But really, I wanted to show my face and thank the people of TeamVox for picking my entry and all my friends and those out there on Vox for your comments and emails, congratulating me!

Thank you all.
I am so happy.

Don't mind me with my Emmy speech.

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Music about Love

Roxette

I bought this one in a heartbeat.

This album is one of the most cherished things I own. Roxette's ballads are amazing, in my opinion. Once, a friend of mine laughed at me for owning this album and I took that personally because to me, her words define exactly how I feel about loving someone.

So, here are some of my favorite songs from Roxette's Ballads. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Salvation

Roxette

Listen To Your Heart

Roxette

Milk And Toast And Honey

Roxette

Almost Unreal

Roxette

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