I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the  place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

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Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

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I want to admit something.

I think it was I who gave up long before he did. I think it was me who stopped loving as I should. I know that I was leaving him a long time ago. I think that over the course of time, he, too, was leaving me, but hadn't gone as far as I did. I think he would have held on until his death. I guess I am not so loyal.

I thought I might have contradicted myself yesterday when I wrote about the love in his voice, when I hear it. How could I say he still loves me when I also said we stopped loving one another? Yet, in my defense, I think it's fair to say that I didn't feel loved, understood or appreciated like I needed.

However, I blind-sighted him. He didn't know I was gone until I left. But he should have known. Can't we see the rain coming in distant storm clouds? Is it so much to ask from a husband that he pay attention?

I will not cast the blame because I am just as responsible. I did the leaving. I just wish some days that he would have tried harder to give a damn

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Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."  

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

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I just want to apologize to everyone for being so scarce lately. I've been really devoting my time and love to my husband lately. And of course my little son. I've also been finding myself quite obsessed with baking and cooking foods of all sorts.

Me in my kitchen - No I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat.

In the past two days I've prepared:

• Cinamon-raisin pancakes
• Eggs benedict
• Fruit salad
• Cherry almont frosted cupcakes
• Apple glazed pork chops with Yukon Gold mashed potatoes, gravy and steamed vegetables
• Caramel apple crepes
• Chicken enchiladas with spanish rice
• Snickerdoodles
• Orange-cranberry Swirlies (cookies that are great for dipping in tea)

Everything came out really well. I'm thinking about starting my own cupcake/cookie business. I also want to have a pet-sitting business. Gosh darnit. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... (First, gotta get the driver's license.)

Things with my husband and I are much better. We're so much happier now that we've managed to get over this bump in the road, so to speak. I feel a deep peace. All is well in my world.

All I can say is I am so happy. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I'm very grateful for the blessings I have and the peace I feel right now.

I have a lot of blogs coming.

I'll be writing about women who have impacted my life, I'll be writing about my mentally ill mother and how I've learned to cope with her abusive behaviors and how her illness has impacted my life. I promise I'll be visiting many neighborhoods soon. It's all coming. I just needed a break. I had to put away my keyboard for a bit and put my hands into the flour and kneed out some home-cooked goodies of love.

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First of all, thank you everyone. I cannot tell you all what it means to have your compassion and encouragement as I have been enduring problems in my marriage and life, and dealing with the depression and discouragement that has followed.

What wonderful friends I have.

The past couple of days, I've found it hard to write. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about my marriage. Sometimes when it's not going as I'd like, I feel like a failure as a woman, a wife and a mother when things hit rock bottom on my life. My pride doesn't like to advertise "she's having problems."

Yet, I felt I had to express my feelings.

One reason why I haven't addressed each and every one of you is because I am overwhelmed with your care, concern, and compassion, I don't know where to begin, or how to find the words. My appreciation goes so deep.

I want you all to know that as soon as your comments and emails started pouring in, I began to feel better. I felt a huge weight lift from my spirit. I felt strong. I felt on the path to restoration.

My fever broke last night and I coughed less. I looked into the mirror, as applied make-up and brushed my hair. I saw the face of a woman. Never in my life has my reflection stared back so strong, so intensely, so woman.

Yesterday and the night before were some of the darkest hours in a great long time. I wouldn't say I am 100% better. I feel as if I am half way there, to pulling myself out of the hole I was in. But the light shines down upon me, in this dark place. And I find myself climbing out a lot faster than I anticipated. I know soon, I'll be back to my usual, happy, bright self.

I owe that not just to all of you, my friends, but mostly to my husband.

He is a wonderful man.

Last night he returned from work with a gentle hug to greet me. He brought me chicken soup and medicine for my UT infection - which wasn't cheap. He brought me a bag of body wash and lotions from Bath & Body Works and while the giving of a gift doesn't necessarily take the pain or hurt away, or makes things suddenly better, it was a wonderful, kind and thoughtful gesture.

He knows how much I love fragrances. He wrote on the bag, "To Marilyn Monroe, your #1 stalker." And he informed he that while he was shopping for the fragrances, he took the time to ask the women who worked in the store what sort of things I might like, based on my personality and my favorite smells. It meant so much to me that he did this, that he made this effort.

I spoke to him about me getting my driver's license. He says it is about time and that I was right in needing and wanting this. While we cannot quite afford the car insurance for me to drive right now, he says he will help me to get my license and add me onto the insurance later, when we can afford it.

The rest of it was said in the silent glances we exchanged that night and the way he held my hand. I saw in his eyes the willingness, compassion and understanding of a man who loves his wife and wants to please her. I realized I cannot hold back my feelings and let them later explode onto him in one giant emotional eruption. I realized, he's just a man. He cannot read my mind. He needs me to tell him how I feel, so he can please me.

My mother-in-law took our son for the night. We went out to ice cream and had a banana split, as a couple on a date. We laughed, joked and talked like we hadn't talked in a long time. I told him "we need to do this every week. We need to just drop the kid off at your mom's and have a date. This sort of thing is so good." And he agreed, most definitely.

Then we went to a movie. I asked him to pick the picture. I wanted him to know the night wasn't all about me after all and that he mattered too.  However, even though he picked the film, I think he picked it with me in mind. He knows I love the fantastical, magical and imaginative world of myth and legend.

Pan's Labyrinth- If you are into the gothic-imaginative, you must see this movie.

He chose the most beautiful, imaginative movie, after searching through trailers online. I think it was the best movie I have ever seen, in a long time.

It was called Pan's Labyrinth.

There was magic, love, death, war, fauns and faeries, princesses and kings and queens. It was dark, it was gothic, yet it was full of light and splendor. I believe it was called "a fairy tale for adults."

It was such a wonderful film. I left with a lump in my throat but also, a happiness because the story itself was pure good triumphing over evil.

This film fit what we went through together. He really picked it for me.

As I write this, I look back on the past two days and I ask myself "Did I question my marriage? My faith? Did I lose hope? Did I really think that little girl inside of me wanted to be liked by a friend who was full of jealousy and envy?"

Yet now, to my amazement, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror smiles and I feel I am so close to being recovered, restored to new. 

I believe one of you wrote: 

"As for your faith, this will probably sound strange coming from an atheist like me, but I think you should forget about what other people are doing, saying, and thinking and concentrate on what YOU believe. Plenty of Christians wonder, question, and doubt, but they say it makes their faith stronger. At the end of the day, either you believe or you don't."

This piece of advice has really stuck out for me. It's not hard to figure out who wrote this, if you read through comments, but she knows who she is and if you do find her, she's a wonderful person. She even offered to mail me antibiotics. So many other friends reached out. You all know who you are and you all mean so much to me. We are strangers most of us, but not so much if you think about it.

Thank you all for being a part of my expressive, passionate life.

I'm just so grateful for the man I married. He loves me more than I sometimes realize or could possibly know. Sometimes trying to grasp that knowledge is difficult. One cannot grasp it, one can only lovingly feel it when it comes to pass.

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If you read the post below, you'll know I'm having a bad, rotten day. However, I have hope. The hope I carry in my heart is my best attribute.

Matthew and I are taking William to grandma's for the night and so he and I can have some time to heal and bond with each other. I think this will be very good for us, especially me.

I want everyone to know how much I love my husband. I want to say that no marriage is perfect. There are trials. We forget to remember each other at times. While I am still sad in a way, I have faith in this man I married. I believe he will restore me. He always does. I think he has to learn a few things about me right now. One of those things is I can wait, I can be patient but I can't wait in silence. I needs reassurance. I need words to let me know "everything is going to be okay."

I became angry at him after months of emotion built up. Instead of talking to him about how I've been feeling when the emotion arises, I kept on giving of myself and giving some more in the hopes he'd see. It doesn't work that way. He can not know how I feel unless I tell him. Tell him I did.

Did it go over well? Did it go over like I hoped? No. That's why I'm so sad. However, I'll never give up on this man of mine until I exhausted all effort, did everything I could.

My husband Matthew, he is not perfect. He comes from a shattered home and he carries his own trauma, from watching his parents split up. But he's not like either of his parents or their mistakes. I could have had any man I wanted, but I chose him. I chose him because he's an amazing man, I believe in him and I have love in my heart for him.

He and I will get through this. I have hope.

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I have a really wonderful father. He was and is so good to my mother.

He goes to work every day. He works hard to provide for her. He's responsible. He comes home, often gets dinner, he does his own laundry. He always remembers her birthday, their anniversary and other special days. But what I love the most about my dad's love for my mother was that he always remembered the little things as well as the big things.

She would point out something in a store that she liked and a few weeks later, after she had forgot about the item, he'd surprise her with it. He'd move heavy things for her. He'd take out the trash without her having to ask. He'd offer to help her when she was tired or stressed out.

I don't think there are many men out there who are are pefect as my dad was to my mom, so I can't be too picky or unreasonable, however, I do expect certain things from my husband.
 

Lately all I want is for my husband to remember at least ONE small thing like to take the trash out, do the dishes (which he hasn't done in months) or move that heavy box that I keep tripping over and banging my shins on. I get tired of waiting for days, weeks and months without a small thing being done to make me happy.

I got angry at him yesterday because he brought in all his tools and dumped them on the floor of our back room, where the washing machine and dryer is, where I do laundry and where I keep the baby stroller. I couldn't do laundry, it was piling up, I couldn't get the stroller out of the door to go on a walk, I had to take the trash out and couldn't, and then our baby got stuck under a bunch of STUFF and I couldn't get to him because there was a giant saw in my way!

I got so mad I just went off on my husband, which is not something I do. I said to him "I'm so sick of tripping over all this shit! I can't even move around in my own house which is too small to begin with and I need this bullshit to stop!"

I actually yelled. I never yell.

Later on, I felt bad for yelling at him and I apologized. He just shook his head and said "No, you're right. When is the last time I did something for you lately?"

I couldn't remember. I said "You gave me a nice Christmas."

He said "No, that's not enough. I don't do enough for you. When is the last time I remembered a small thing in the past week? The past month?"

I just shook my head.

I don't need jewelry. I don't need a lot of money. I just want to know that my husband cares about me and remembers me. I work so hard to keep the house clean, to make meals and to tend to his needs and raise our son. Sometimes it feels like I don't matter and all I am here for is to tend to everyone else's needs except my own.

All it would take to make me not feel that way would be just a few small things being done. I can go a long time and give freely from just one small thing being done. I'm such a simple woman. I don't need a lot. But neglect for a long time, then anger and bitterness set in. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I've shelled out all this love, affection, hard work, devotion and admiration and I'm getting nothing but lack of regard.

It's as if he thinks if he goes to work and brings home the rent that it's enough. Yes, it's good and I am so grateful I have a hard-working man. But I also need him to spend time with me now and then and remember the small things that keep me happy. If those little things were being done, my needs would be met and I'd be a happier, more giving, less resentful and appreciative wife!

I have feelings. I enjoy being married and being a mother, however, I am still something else besides a maid, cook and lover. It's great he provides but I don't feel I am being unreasonable by asking for a little bit more.

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By the power that Christ
brought from heaven,
mayst thou love me.
As the sun follows its course,
mayst thou follow me.
As light to the eye,
as bread to the hungry,
as joy to the heart,
may thy presence be with me,
oh one that I love,
'til death comes to part us asunder.

-Irish Wedding Prayer

To the special Bride and Groom in my life,
my dear friends, Cate and Iain –

I always cry at weddings. Always. It’s a given I’ll cry so I always prepare myself by bringing extra tissues and wearing water-proof mascara. It’s not that I am like the stupid girls who squeal and jump up and down in delight over seeing a fellow sister adorned in white. It’s not the flowers or how great the music was. It’s not the food served or the impressive, white, frosted, cake that no doubt costs thousands of dollars. What makes me cry at weddings is the honor of it. It is such an honor to be witness to the open pledge two people  make; to love and commit to one another, in the presence of those they love.

I find that this moment of promise and vows made between two people is far more than just a signing of a legal document. When two hands intertwine and vows are exchanged in true love, it is as if to say “forever.”

It may feel like an ordinary day, then again, it may not, but I know that you will cherish this day for the rest of your lives. You  may not realize it now, but you are living one of the greatest days you could possibly ever live.

I know Cate, that when you look into Iain’s eyes you will remember the day you met him. And Iain, I know when you look into Cate’s eyes, you will marvel at the beautiful, perfect soul you are pledging yourself and your life to.

Have you ever witnessed a birth? It’s one of the most beautiful, eye-opening and life changing events to witness, if you are so lucky and are brave enough. Wether mother brings her child into the world through bearing down through contractions or an open surgery through her belly, she brings a life into this world. She brings new hope. She delivers us a new soul to marvel at and be inspired by and perhaps, another baby is born too, somewhere around the world, some day, some time, that is destined to meet the other.

I believe you were destined to meet Iain, Cate. I believe Iain was born for you and you were born for him. I think that this day, as a year comes full circle and you celebrate belonging to each other, that it will forever become one of the best days of your life. Every year you will relive this day. Every year you will look back and remember the day you both held hands and in front of those you love and openly declared “I love this man and I love this woman sooo much, so very much, with all of my heart, that I am forever theirs, until death part us.”

I light this candle in honor of your marriage.

I won’t be able to cry at your wedding because I wasn’t able to be there. Oh Cate, I wanted to be there so badly, but my heart is there and I will light a candle in your honor. I can almost see you in your dress, living the dream every girl dreams – to marry her Prince, her Knight in Shining Armor.

I always cry at weddings because they are such profound, unbelievably precious moments in our lives. They are the beginnings of new hope and life shared. Weddings are like births. Not everyone agrees or views the ceremony like I do. But that is how I see it and why it makes me feel such joy. My heart leaps within my chest and I cry tears of happiness for the couple making promise to one another.

Cate and Iain, I am so happy you both found each other. I remember when I  met you Cate. I knew there was something special about you. I saw a twinkle in your eye. I saw light. I saw love and I saw admiration in your beautiful almond shaped eyes. I knew when you told me you loved a man from England, that you truly loved and nothing, not a continent or an ocean could keep you from that love. Your love for Iain makes you so beautiful Cate. You already shine but that love you have for him makes you shine all the brighter.

Iain, never stop cherishing her. She is a gift to the world. I never knew Cate before she knew you, but she has told me about her life before you were a part of it. I know without a doubt that you have transformed her, that you bring out the best in her, inspire her, encourage her and cherish her. She loves you because you love her.

You both complete each other. You both are a heart shaped ying and yang of love.

The only advice I  have to offer you, something I have learned about marriage is to always remember the best days you have together. Remember them on good days, remember them on plain days and remember them most of all when times are rough. Remember and honor the love you have together. Your love is like a precious seedling that will grow and grow and become stronger and more beautiful as you continue to nourish your love.  The roots of your love will grow deep and reach far and touch many. Your friends, your family and someday your children will experience the light of your love for one another.

You will find that love doesn’t fade and the magic of being married never dies, as long as you always tend to the beautiful love you share. It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

With all my heart,
Your little “wedding fag”
-Kristen

Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sunwarmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea.
Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sunwarmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea.

Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

-from The Odyssey
Homer

Cheers to Iain and Cate on your wedding day. This cup of tea is for you both, with love.

-Irish wedding prayer

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Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sun-warmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea.

Few men can keep alive through a big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.

Look for the shore

Do you see the meaning here?

Every man finds himself lost at sea at least once in his life, engulfed in life's angry storms that at times, seem destined to destroy you. But there is courage in the man who will weather every storm he might face, turn his face to the bitter cold wind, bear down and plot a new course.

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