11 posts tagged “matthew”

Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"

My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.

I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.

However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.

It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!

I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.

I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.

The word that comes to mind is, anguish.

I haven't been writing much. I know I've wanted to but the ability to open up and express myself hasn't been there. It's just not in me. It's as if that part of me has died. I used to write only about the beautiful aspects of my life. I loved being a wife, a mother, being domestic. I never shared the hardships. I kept my marital problems secret and private. I wanted that perfect life. I lived in denial.

Now my life has consisted of trying to start over again after deciding to leave my husband of over 6 married years. I haven't wanted to write about that. It's too painful. I write some on myspace, here and there when my mind boils over with thought, or I have something happy to write about.

I've been very troubled in the past months but, I've been finding peace again. I've been working through my feelings day by day. That's a good thing. Now I feel like writing a little bit more and the emails sitting in my inbox are calling for response.

I've received some caring emails from friends here. I haven't responded and I'm sorry. The kind words have meant a lot and I cherish them. I just have so much on my plate. I haven't been able to deal with much anything other than get up, go to work, look for better work, find a place, get a car.

I've been in 3 relationships since I split with Matthew. The first one ended badly and was a mistake. The second one was great, for a while. Then it just didn't work out. The third one has been going very well and I like him a lot, but I'm taking things slow. I feel no pressure from him and he's made a positive impact on my life and he's been good to me.

I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to love. I only know I plan to better my life first and foremost. The most important thing to me right now is that I become more self-reliant. I've had to ask for rides to and from work because I'm without a car. I've had to ask my grandma for money. My best friend let me live with her for several months. My parents have bought me groceries. While it's good to be looked after and helped, it frustrates me and burns my pride. Most of all, I worry. I worry for my son. What kind of a mother am I if I cant provide?

So, I sent him to his father in California. William has been gone for over a month, going on two months. He will stay there until I can bring him back without complications. I put more hours in at work. I saved up a little money and was able to move into my own place. I've had so many complications in between and that fact is eating my spirit alive. I have problems with my parents, my best friend and finances. But, I keep going.

My next goal is a car but before that can happen I need a better job. I can work the hours at my current job, Starbucks, but the fact of the matter is - that won't pay the bills forever and that won't give me room to save like I want to. And that's not the  place for a woman like me. I have too much potential to waste burning my finger tips on shot glasses full of hot espresso.

It takes time to get back on one's feet. Some days I miss Matthew, the man I fell in love with. Sometimes we fight, other times we get along. Aside from a few things and differences we cannot reconcile on, mostly we get along and usually he's very kind and understanding. He wants me to come back but that's not what I want or feel would be best. I look back on our problems and it overwhelms me. But, I want to be a wife. It's all I ever wanted. I want a man to love and look after, to have a hot meal on the table ready when he comes home from a hard day's work, to have loving arms for at night, to stand by, respect, honor and defend.

All this being said, I'm hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I just know I must keep on going, improving, confronting my feelings, myself, my faults and growing, not just for my sake, but most of all for my son's sake.

Christina and the sexy bartender.

The fun hasn't stopped! I love my best friend!

Christina, plus Matthew and I went out for drinks tonight! We dropped our darling baby William off at the mother-in-law's so we could have some adult fun this time. Last night at Chuck. E. Cheese was great but this was great on a whole different level. I haven't let loose and had this much fun in ... like ... forever!

Christina says I'm a "cute" drunk. I don't know. Matthew says my IQ drops off by at least 20 points. He's probably closer. Either way, whether I'm dumb drunk or cute drunk, I had fun with my best friend at a downtown Sacramento pub tonight. Bless Matthew's heart for putting up with us, especially me, the lightweight.
 

Drunk.

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I didn't really go outside and make a smiley face with fruit. I'm not that crazy!

Today is a very happy day for me! I'm just really quite happy. It's a good thing and about time too! The past few weeks have been hard and while my problems aren't entirely over, I'm finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel! Oh the joys of being optimistic.

Why am I so happy? Lots of reasons!

• My dad's stolen money was returned to him by his co-workers! The man in charge of the whole deal is named Mike. I plan on calling him today while my dad is out of the office and thanking him. 
  

• Speaking of my dad, today he told me that I make him want to be a better person. That just did it right there. I tell you what. I've got one hell of a father and I every day I thank my lucky stars for him.
  

• Cate and Iain are coming home this Friday! I am so excited to see my friend. I can't wait to hug her and present her with a batch of cupcakes.
  

• The Vox meet-up in San Fran is this Friday too! I'm so excited (and a little nervous) about meeting everyone.
  

• Since going to San Fran for the meet-up is such a special occasion for me, I went out last night and bought myself a real nice shirt. Actually maybe it's a blouse, or a top. I really am not sure. Honestly, I've never owned such a pretty article of clothing so therefore I don't know what to call it. All I know is I feel like a princess in it. I guess I'll just name it my "Princess Diana." I'm really happy about that. I spent $70 on it and frankly I don't feel any guilt about it. That's the most money I've ever spent on a piece of clothing. Normally I'm a $5-$10, target-shopping, practical kind of girl. Vox is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me next to meeting my husband and having my son. So, I plan to show up sparkling because this event is so special to me!

• There's something else happening this week that I'm not sure if I should talk about or not so for now I'll just keep it to myself and tell everyone later but basically I'm freaking out excited about it (in a good, happy way) and honestly, I just might pee my pants. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
  

• One of the biggest reasons I'm so happy this week is because of some really great people in my 'hood' who've taken the time to help get me through my problems and share in my happiness. It's not just been this week that many of you have touched my life, it's nearly constant actually. However, this week has been somethin' else. This week I've felt so much friendship from people I have never even met before. I really think that Vox has harnessed the good that can be done and found online. I've never encountered so many fantastic people gathered in one community before in my 10 years on the internet.
  

• Finally, I can't forget to give credit to my husband because he is responsible for the smile I had when I went to bed last night and when I woke up this morning. I came home from shopping last night just before midnight and he was standing at the sink doing dishes. Then he swept the floor. It was so great and those two small things meant the world to me. When I woke up this morning, his arms were around me. I'd also like to mention he has busted his ass this week and he's made some significant amounts of money. I'm really proud of him. I love him a lot.
  

I feel good today and on that note I'll end here. I'm going to saddle up William's stroller and ride off into the sunset - erm, I mean walk to the park!

My husband Matthew decided a good way to make me laugh and be impressed by his awesome, manly, macho strength would be to rip a phone book in half. And he did it! And I laughed my ass off!

Ripping a phone book in half - not as easy as you might think!

He gave up when he was SO close!

How can any wife NOT love a face like this?

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Chilling after ripping a phone book in half, you know... the usual.

Christmas a year ago, with my newborn son William.

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A year has passed since William, my son's, first Christmas and it is now his second. He will get to experience Santa, Elves and the Reindeer. He will be able to appreciate the lights and sounds of the season and be aware of the magic in the air.

My husband Matthew and I are happy this is so. We're happy in general this Christmas Season. Especially me. I have many reasons to be happy this year, the biggest reason -

Our little William.

Besides being thankful for and blessed with a beautiful, perfect child to cheer us and warm out hearts, I am also thankful that I've come so far as a woman, wife and mother. And in just a year's time. I am so grateful for the peace I feel this year. 

I look back a year ago. William was about 3 months old. It was raining non-stop. It seemed like it just rained and rained and wouldn't stop. I had been battling postpartum depression since early November and on Christmas Day, I broke down.

Wonder in his eyes, curiousity in his touch. Christmas born in his memory, forever.

That's one happy family moment right there.

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I thank God that I had my wonderful husband and beautiful baby to inspire me to pull through. I thank God I had family and friends to support me. I thank God for my inner strength and courage to end my postpartum depression and embrace motherhood for the beautiful journey it is.

This year, on Christmas, as everything comes full circle, I thank God again.

Deeply, I am in humble debt to Him for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me and our little family. Never in my life have I enjoyed Christmas more than this year. Never in my life, since I was a child and the magic of Christmas and Jesus touched my life and left me in excited bliss, have I felt such awe.

I feel happiness when I look at all the various Christmas lights adorning the houses of our suburb. I feel happiness when I go shopping, even with the mass amounts of crowds and cranky last-minute shoppers. I feel happiness when I sit by our Christmas tree and savor it's fresh, pine aroma. I feel happiness when I think of the Christmas cards I sent out, bound for many corners of the World, to dear friends and family. I feel happiness when I think of my friends and their families, celebrating their own personal Holidays together. I feel Happiness when I think about the gatherings we will have on Christmas Day, as a family and with extended family.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree.

Inside the Christmas ornament

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I feel happiness when I hold my son and watch Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. I feel happiness when I am in bed at night with my husband, his arms around me, as our house radiates warmth from the inside and glows warm from the outside, while the beautiful lights hung on our eves burn through the night.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

I feel happy for so many reasons and I am grateful to God for all those reasons on this Christmas Season.

May all who read this have a blessed Christmas Season and New Year with those you love, embracing the happiness this special time of year has to offer, as you forge the memories life is made of.

Matthew, William and I wish you a Merry Christmas.
May it be bright.

Show us pure emotion.
Submitted by Roxy.

14 minutes after I gave birth.

When my Son William was born, it was the most powerful, happy moment of my life. I was in labor for 15.5 hours. By the time I gave birth to him, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open to hold him. Shortly after this moment, I succumbed to the exhaustion, with him sleeping in my arms, just as tired as I.

When I woke up two hours later, William was in my husband's arms. I asked to hold my baby again. Matthew gently handed him back to me and I began to breastfeed him and study his face. There is no love like this love. At the moment of his birth, at 5:01 on October 19th, 2005, my life changed. It was the happiest day of my life. This is my pure emotion.

Butters

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It's official. Shadow is now Butters.

We (my husband and I) decided Butters fits his personality best. It's a cute name, I think. Smokey and the Bandit would have been great, but seriously... I think I would have begun to hate that name after a while.

All the other names were so awesome and cute. It was not easy picking out his name but we took our time, weighed all the decisions carefully, and so....

Butters it is.