6 posts tagged “pain”

I am sad and my bed is empty and no one is near. No one speaks. My dwelling is quiet except for the dryer tumbling wet towels and the erratic off and on spurts of my thought as I type the bullshit out.

I have all this love to burn and sometimes it feels like there's not a soul to feel it's warmth. The weight of it compiles and the want grows bigger, and becomes a burden needing to be burned. So here I am lighting fire to it, as best I can.

I want someone to love me, to fucking save me and make me whole through compassion in every sense. I realized by the words of another that this is an impossibility. No one can save anyone. No one can restore another. That only person who can make me whole is myself, even if someone comes along claiming to be my personal savior.

I do want someone to make the answers seem simple, even if the answers are anything but. I want arms around me. I want someone to drive into me and thrust my sadness, loneliness and pain away and MEAN it with every muscle in their body. And afterwards, look at me and through through the eyes, convey what was just done - a healing. Then, arms. Arms that don't let go.

Maybe there can be temporary bliss and restoration but a dreamy completion from another can't be. No one can save anyone. I can only be there for the one's I love and hope another at the right time, or the other who is right, will open up, or come along and at least stand behind me and beside me for the darker days, for the healing, the happy moments that do come, and for the pleasure exchange of caressing the soul's wounds.

I wonder why more people don't seize every opportunity they have to love one another, especially those deserving and wealthy to give, especially those who are so sore, aching and in need of a reckoning and a trusting release. I wonder why some dwell on the pain and misery of others and what they can't have, or what is empty and lost and not worth saving. Anyone can love another and one should, even if some are not worthy, but there comes a time for weaning one's self from the lesser worthy and spreading hope, healing and faith to those who need it most. That is my philosophy.

What I wish to say is I wish one would say, "Yes, I will save you." That's not going to happen. Yet I wish it would. So I will burn what I want and can't have with hard words. Perhaps a new, soft growth will one day rekindle. In the meantime, I can shelter those I love with what is left of my heart and soul.

Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"

My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.

I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.

However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.

It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!

I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.

I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.

The word that comes to mind is, anguish.

Sometimes I don't understand why.

When did I stop caring? Why did I want my freedom? Why did I feel so unloved? How did it come to this?

I suppose that I'll never stop asking myself why. I would like to think I'll move on, maybe even find happiness with another. I would like to think a man will come along one day who understands I am someone who needs to be reassured constantly, who shares my dreams, who believes in true love as I do.

I am in the processes of breaking down each why and getting my head on straight. It isn't easy. Some days I don't even know what I want or who I am. Sometimes I want to go back to my husband and reunite the family we had. Other days all I want to do is flee far, far away.

I don't feel a constant peace. I wish I could because there have been times in my life when I have felt prolonged peace. I suppose that not one person has ever been consistantly at peace or content. Life is made up of ups and downs. Happiness can often come in small forms. I try and remind myself of these facts. I try and remind myself that things will get better and I have a chance at happiness again.

But the biggest why I ask myself every day...

Why do I feel so unworthy?

To all of you who have been reaching out, whether you understand all that I'm going through or not, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, I thank you.

The kind words I am finding here on my blog, emails of concern, even advice and experiences shared in divorce, pain and loss, it all means so much to me.

Sadly, I must report that my husband and I are still separated and planning to divorce.

Oh, I do have good days. It isn't always sad. Don't let my prior silence give off the impression I dwell in sorrow, although I can't always write about cookies and domesticity, however, for my son's sake I will maintain that magic until the day I die. I will be writing about what is real and what is real for me now isn't always pretty from day to day. Truth be told, it is a great comfort to have this outlet.

I ask myself often, was I really that far into denial? Am I mad? Have I lost myself, my sense of reality? What went wrong? I think these questions are normal to feel. This is a time of transition for me and questioning is how I will work my feelings out.

I truly was unhappy. It wasn't always so. There was a time when he and I were newly in love or in love at times and I never dreamed I'd sever myself from his side. I never thought I'd be so unforgiving. Yet, here I am, done with it all. I grew tired of the marital woe we encountered that neither of us knew how to control or fix. Maybe neither of us wanted to. Maybe we knew in our hearts we weren't right for each other. Maybe we were right for each other. Maybe all of this is our own damn fault. Either way, what's done is done and all all I can do is move forward.

Some days I contemplate it all until I am blue in the face but it doesn't take away the fact, that every day, despite how much I loved him, and tried to love him, I thought about what life would be like without him. Is that love? I think not. Perhaps it's selfishness. I do not know. Again, another contemplation for the frustration of it all.

I only know once we loved each other and had hopes. Then slowly over time we stopped loving each other as we should have, and one of us, me, to my surprise, put an end to it.

I find that being alone is often hard. Yet, just as much, I find it easy but only on certain days. Oh, I am not entirely alone. But, I always return to my station of the woman who is seeking to live, to stand on her own two feet, for the sake of her son, for herself.

The hardship is felt the most when my husband calls from California and he hurts. Oh God! It tears me up inside to hear the pain in his voice. When I hear the love my husband still carries in his voice, for me, the woman who devastated him, I wonder, why can't he just hate me?

But truly, the worst pain of all during this hardship is being apart from William. Due to the separation and coming divorce, we have agreed upon joint custody. When I am separated by two states, 1,000 miles, from the one who I love more than anything in this world, my son, my soul bleeds straight from my heart. Yet also, my heart ruptures daily, too, when I face the consequences of what all of this brings.

My son is too small to understand what is happening but I dread the day he does know. I look at myself every day and I ask myself, was my happiness and freedom worth the pain he will feel, the questions he will have, the confusion he will know? Or will he transition into this back-and-forth lifestyle and learn to accept it? Somehow I think not.

I wonder if it's possible for a child to grow up and understand. No child can ever understand or forgive their parents fully, not until they become adults, but, depending on the circumstances, is it possible even then?

Every child needs stability. I think if you promise to lay your life down for your child, that child would hope, at least deep inside, that they are worth sacrificing for. But is a home with two unhappy parents worth such sacrifice? Wouldn't it be better to show a child the truth, that sometimes things don't work out and how happiness can be acheived, even when promises are broken?

I never thought, as he lay wet, newborn, beautiful, innocent and crying new breaths of air in my arms, that this child of mine would know the pain and confusion of his parents separation. As parents, you tell yourself you would do anything to protect your children. You would die for them even, wouldn't you? Yet, we expect our pride and joy to understand, or hope they will in time, and we tell them as best we can, "this is just the way it is."  

This is divorce. This is the price we pay, as adults. This is the price our children pay. We pass our pain onto them.

But will I? Depends on my estrogen levels!

My day has been nice, though I have been very lazy. We went to church this morning and got many smiles and warm welcomes from neighbors, friends and family. That's about all we've done so far.

I hate being lazy. I have dishes and laundry to do. (Joy.)

I'd like to hang up Christmas lights on our house, but my husband is being lazier than I am, and I need him to help with the ladder.
 
Actually I'll send him up the ladder then hang outside in the cold for about 30 minutes (if I last that long) and claim I have homework to do, a hog to feed, and the car to wash, then, disappear indoors.

No, I won't.

Truth be told, I would be doing more today but I have this awful pain in my side and I can barely move because of it and I've been on the verge of throwing up all day. So I'll blame it on being lazy as I wrap up in my denial blanket.

I don't want to think something could be wrong or worry about having to go to the doctor with no medical benefits and getting stuck with a medical bill we can't pay. Hopefully it will turn into the productive, non-queasy, pain-free day I want it to be.