2 posts tagged “religion”

First of all, thank you everyone. I cannot tell you all what it means to have your compassion and encouragement as I have been enduring problems in my marriage and life, and dealing with the depression and discouragement that has followed.

What wonderful friends I have.

The past couple of days, I've found it hard to write. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about my marriage. Sometimes when it's not going as I'd like, I feel like a failure as a woman, a wife and a mother when things hit rock bottom on my life. My pride doesn't like to advertise "she's having problems."

Yet, I felt I had to express my feelings.

One reason why I haven't addressed each and every one of you is because I am overwhelmed with your care, concern, and compassion, I don't know where to begin, or how to find the words. My appreciation goes so deep.

I want you all to know that as soon as your comments and emails started pouring in, I began to feel better. I felt a huge weight lift from my spirit. I felt strong. I felt on the path to restoration.

My fever broke last night and I coughed less. I looked into the mirror, as applied make-up and brushed my hair. I saw the face of a woman. Never in my life has my reflection stared back so strong, so intensely, so woman.

Yesterday and the night before were some of the darkest hours in a great long time. I wouldn't say I am 100% better. I feel as if I am half way there, to pulling myself out of the hole I was in. But the light shines down upon me, in this dark place. And I find myself climbing out a lot faster than I anticipated. I know soon, I'll be back to my usual, happy, bright self.

I owe that not just to all of you, my friends, but mostly to my husband.

He is a wonderful man.

Last night he returned from work with a gentle hug to greet me. He brought me chicken soup and medicine for my UT infection - which wasn't cheap. He brought me a bag of body wash and lotions from Bath & Body Works and while the giving of a gift doesn't necessarily take the pain or hurt away, or makes things suddenly better, it was a wonderful, kind and thoughtful gesture.

He knows how much I love fragrances. He wrote on the bag, "To Marilyn Monroe, your #1 stalker." And he informed he that while he was shopping for the fragrances, he took the time to ask the women who worked in the store what sort of things I might like, based on my personality and my favorite smells. It meant so much to me that he did this, that he made this effort.

I spoke to him about me getting my driver's license. He says it is about time and that I was right in needing and wanting this. While we cannot quite afford the car insurance for me to drive right now, he says he will help me to get my license and add me onto the insurance later, when we can afford it.

The rest of it was said in the silent glances we exchanged that night and the way he held my hand. I saw in his eyes the willingness, compassion and understanding of a man who loves his wife and wants to please her. I realized I cannot hold back my feelings and let them later explode onto him in one giant emotional eruption. I realized, he's just a man. He cannot read my mind. He needs me to tell him how I feel, so he can please me.

My mother-in-law took our son for the night. We went out to ice cream and had a banana split, as a couple on a date. We laughed, joked and talked like we hadn't talked in a long time. I told him "we need to do this every week. We need to just drop the kid off at your mom's and have a date. This sort of thing is so good." And he agreed, most definitely.

Then we went to a movie. I asked him to pick the picture. I wanted him to know the night wasn't all about me after all and that he mattered too.  However, even though he picked the film, I think he picked it with me in mind. He knows I love the fantastical, magical and imaginative world of myth and legend.

Pan's Labyrinth- If you are into the gothic-imaginative, you must see this movie.

He chose the most beautiful, imaginative movie, after searching through trailers online. I think it was the best movie I have ever seen, in a long time.

It was called Pan's Labyrinth.

There was magic, love, death, war, fauns and faeries, princesses and kings and queens. It was dark, it was gothic, yet it was full of light and splendor. I believe it was called "a fairy tale for adults."

It was such a wonderful film. I left with a lump in my throat but also, a happiness because the story itself was pure good triumphing over evil.

This film fit what we went through together. He really picked it for me.

As I write this, I look back on the past two days and I ask myself "Did I question my marriage? My faith? Did I lose hope? Did I really think that little girl inside of me wanted to be liked by a friend who was full of jealousy and envy?"

Yet now, to my amazement, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror smiles and I feel I am so close to being recovered, restored to new. 

I believe one of you wrote: 

"As for your faith, this will probably sound strange coming from an atheist like me, but I think you should forget about what other people are doing, saying, and thinking and concentrate on what YOU believe. Plenty of Christians wonder, question, and doubt, but they say it makes their faith stronger. At the end of the day, either you believe or you don't."

This piece of advice has really stuck out for me. It's not hard to figure out who wrote this, if you read through comments, but she knows who she is and if you do find her, she's a wonderful person. She even offered to mail me antibiotics. So many other friends reached out. You all know who you are and you all mean so much to me. We are strangers most of us, but not so much if you think about it.

Thank you all for being a part of my expressive, passionate life.

I'm just so grateful for the man I married. He loves me more than I sometimes realize or could possibly know. Sometimes trying to grasp that knowledge is difficult. One cannot grasp it, one can only lovingly feel it when it comes to pass.

Today is the most depressing day of the year - Blue Monday. Why is that? The weather? I don't know. I think that it's ironic though, that today is considered the most depressing day of the year because I myself am very depressed today.

Ever feel completely physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually down? I don't think I feel so bad as to say I'm hopeless. I can't ever be that low. I'm too strong. Hope is all I have. But nevertheless, I am really, really sad today. I don't mean for this to sound like a pity-party or a cry for help even. I just hurt. In every way. And I need to express my feelings.

I'm physically low.

I have a terrible flu. It's going to my lungs and today I coughed up blood. Matthew and I don't have medical insurance right now. I have a UT or bladder infection too. It's just starting so I'm hoping I can beat it with lots of cranberry juice and Azo. I feel like I'm coming down with a fever, however. That means it's most likely a bladder infection. I really don't want to end up in the ER.

I'm mentally low.

I am depressed. The past two weeks have taken their toll on me. To make a long story short, my best friend from childhood has decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Money is tight, very tight. We are trying to save up for our move in the spring and I am terrified and worried as to how we are going to do it.

I feel alienated from some of my family members. I don't know what I can do or how I can tell them how much they matter to me and I need them.

My husband and I have been having problems. I feel under appreciated in all I do as a wife and mother. He thinks that running a household and raising our son isn't enough to define "work." I lashed out at him after he told me that "he doesn't see me doing anything and I spend too much time online."

We got into a horrible fight. I tried to express my feelings calmly at first, but he took everything so personally, I ended up crying my eyes out as he walked out of the house.

I told him one reason I am online so much, writing, blogging, and chatting is because I don't feel appreciated or remembered, so I go looking for friendships to fill the void in my heart. I just wanted him to see that it's the little things, like telling me I'm beautiful, thanking me for dinner, doing his laundry, or offering to take the trash out that make me a happy wife.

I am emotionally low.

I've done so much crying lately, I feel drained. I've also been shutting down emotionally and I feel empty inside. I feel void of life, laughter or spirit. I am stuck here in this house, with no driver's license, or freedom except to walk to Carmichael Park or BigLots to look at things I can't afford to have. I try to stay active by going on walks in my neighborhood and drowning my emotions in music. Matthew doesn't think it's worth our time for me to get my driver's license because we'd have to pay an extra $150 a month in car insurance.

Well, if I'm not even worth that, what am I worth? Do I not matter? Why can't I drive? Why can't I be able to go get groceries or take myself somewhere other than this suburb I am sick of looking at day after day. I feel so worthless. I've been waiting so patiently for him to agree to let me drive. I don't know any other wives or women my age who don't have a driver's license. I love my husband and I respect his wishes but sometimes I feel like he doesn't want me to be happy because it's another inconvenience for him.

I tried to tell him this. I think he understood. I think he listened. But he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't say anything. He is switched off emotionally himself and I can't read his mind. I don't know what he's thinking. I NEED him to speak to me, to work with me, to compromise with me. I'm willing to get a part time job so I can help pay for the extra costs of driving. I've also told him if I could drive, I could start that pet sitting business I've always wanted to start.

I'm spiritually low.

I believe in God. I think I do. I'm just not sure anymore...

Lately I've experienced real doubt about my religion - Christianity. I have friends and family members who are self-richeous Christians, passing judgments on me and others, not practicing their beliefs, being so cold and un-Christ like. It leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I see so many Christians lying, cheating, judging, harassing, being hypocritical. I see more bad Christians than good Christians.

As a Christian, I know I am supposed to be patient with them, love them and forgive them. I try my best. I try as hard as I can but I myself catch myself passing judgments on them too. I just feel so jaded! I can't seem to move past the judgments and cruelty that have been passed upon me for my mistakes or poor behaviors. I feel lost. I don't know if I believe in Christianity anymore. I don't know if I want to. I love Jesus Christ and I want to strive to be more like him, but it's so hard to believe in something that has become so tainted in not just my eyes, but the eyes of the world as well.

I'm just not myself these days.

I've always fought for happiness but I'm finding myself so low, I don't have much a fight in me. I've been trying to stay focused, occupied and busy. I will bake. I'll go on walks. But all in all and truthfully, I feel overwhelmed. I'm tired of putting on a happy face when I'm not happy inside. I want to give up in every way when my husband forgets me, when I lose faith, when I feel poorly and when I'm uncomfortable. Because of the fact I want to give up, I feel like a coward. I feel weak. I should be able to carry on.

I know one thing for sure. I have to be strong. My baby needs me. My child needs his mother to be strong, to push on and be courageous. It's just so hard right now.

I can only hope and keep on going.

Hopefully my husband will remember to let me know I'm important to him and I can learn to be a more appreciative, less resentful wife. Hopefully he and I can come to a compromise.

Hopefully I'll get over my flu and fight off this UT infection and be able to get back into the swing of things. I want to feel better. I'll go to the doctor if it gets much worse and I'll worry about the bill later.

Hopefully I can reconnect with friends and family I feel alienated with and if I can't, so be it. Hopefully I'll move on and learn acceptance. I can't make someone care or understand or even like me.

Hopefully I can restore my mental state to a more strong outlook. Hopefully I can find that fire inside of me that exists and rekindle it. I think with writing this, my friends and family will read this and reach out and I can let them support me, help me and encourage me.

Hopefully I can find my faith again and restore it to what it should be. Hopefully I can move past the hypocracy and judgments, learn to forgive, accept and move on from even the so-called Christians, and hope they will come around and realize what they do.

Hope is all I have when I feel this low.