6 posts tagged “thanks”

To all of you who have been reaching out, whether you understand all that I'm going through or not, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, I thank you.

The kind words I am finding here on my blog, emails of concern, even advice and experiences shared in divorce, pain and loss, it all means so much to me.

I was talking to Cate via messenger today. We're both just in absolute shock - still. It's setting in slowly, but it's really taken my mind a while to grasp all this. I mean really, quite a while. However, I think today was the day it finally became real. I'll explain...

I have been given an amazing gift by Vox - The Vox World Tour!

So many people are thrilled for me.

I'm going on a grand adventure!  With my wonderful father who deserves this more than anyone!

Cate passed this along to me. I read this article on Six Apart's website, written by Anil Dash, and like Cate did when she read it, I too cried like a complete baby. To see my words being quoted and my writing being praised as "profound and universal" drove me to burst into tears.

You see, I never in my wildest dreams thought something this would happen to me. Never.

I have struggled with the fact I've been given this amazing gift for the past 48 hours, asking myself, "Why me?"

Why me. Why me. Why? Me?

I haven't felt worthy these past two days.

I have struggled with wondering if I really deserve this. Honestly, I have had a very hard time grasping the fact my entry was chosen! Then being told by Mena Trott herself, the owner of Vox and Six Apart, that my words made her tear up! I can't believe it!

Yet, I am beginning to finally see. Slowly the realization is materializing.

I basically told Cate today that I have been trying to maintain normalcy for my husband and baby while all this has been happening by taking time to prepare meals, change diapers, play with my son, ask my husband about his day at work and not let things go neglected in my home.

I went on to tell Cate how it's been hard. At one point yesterday I felt like a bad mother. I hadn't attended to my son's needs like I should have because I was answering emails and telling all of my friends and family the big news.

But Cate assured me that I wasn't a bad mother and I deserved this. And my son was just fine. I think she's right. I do deserve this.

I really do.

You see, I haven't always had it easy. In fact, my life has been quite a struggle. However, despite the struggles and despite the hardships, I have endured. Not only have I endured but I have managed to be positive, accepting, loving, optimistic and hopeful. I've always believed that life is what we make of it. I've fought for my happiness.

One of my favorite sayings reads something like this:

"The sun shines brightest after the storm."

Today, my husband has assured me as well. "Kristen," he said to me, "you deserve this so much. Don't worry about things. The laundry can wait. I'll take care of William. You focus on you. It's fine. You've earned this."

Last night I deserved to sit on my butt and answer emails and type my heart out. My life has been one trial after another with a few breaks of happiness in the midst of turmoil. And so, this may be one of the greatest rewards ever bestowed upon me.

I earned this by being me. I held on. Things have paid off.  Good things do happen to those who believe, those who push on with hope in their hearts.

This is the sunshine after my storm. This is my dad's hard work, love, sacrifice, sweat and tears paying off.

Thank you Vox. Thank you  Mena, Gladys Krissy ...
and everyone who gave me this.

You saw my potential. You gave me a great reward. Thank you so much.

I may never stop thanking you all. It just means so much.

And so, I sit here again on my butt, enjoying the wonderful reward and gift I have been given, thinking of newlywed Cate who now gets to go on a second honeymoon with her husband, around the world. I'm smiling, thinking of her...

I think video blogging me chugging a Vox Vodka straight out of the bottle, whilst eating pink cupcakes as I dance around in my Vox T-shirt and screaming "THIS IS GOOOOOODDD!!" may help you grasp how gosh darn excited I am..

...and I laugh. I love this girl.

Because, I can see her doing it too! I really can. She says she has boundaries, but I'll bet she'd do it or possibly has, with the help of Vodka of course.

She's my best friend. I love her so much. I think that Cate probably understands me better than most people out there. I love her because she has true happiness for me. Cate has always encouraged me and inspired me. Cate has never let me down. She's always been there, like a true friend.

She wrote:

Kristen is just...absolutely, amazing.

This girl has had it tough. Tougher than most. Tougher than she should...

This girl needed a break. Dammit, this girl needed the world.

     But it has all come full circle now.

Thank you Cate.

She's right. It has come full circle and winning this contest, being showered with love, congratulations and appreciation has shown me...

I've made it. I am here. The sun shines.

All of the people who read my blog, send me emails, offer me their friendship by peeking into my life every day - I love you all. I love all of you here. Every one of you. A simple [this is good] from my friends means more to me than you might know. I am a woman of expression. I share my life. My life is not just my own but it is also for those around me.

Thank you my friends, for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for all you do for me. I may never stop thanking you either. I may often struggle with the fact I have so many people who care - it's unbelievable. It's wonderful.

I've always felt that, as people, we have the capability of touching each other in profound ways. Be it a simple, small,  yet magical gesture such as being the kind of Starbucks barista whose smile and "have a wonderful day" lasts, even after she's left the espresso bar and gone on to have children. I really believe we all have a little magic in us to use towards being good, happy people who touch others as only we can, if we only find that magic within ourselves and use it. 

My friends, you let me shine. Without you, I'd be insignificant.
You let me use my magic and nurture my potential.

Before Cate and I said goodbye in our online chat today, I asked her, "Where do I begin? How do I find the words? What do I write about next? I'm so overwhelmed with joy and happiness, I don't know what to do. My mind can't seem to grasp this."

Her answer was simple. She said...

"Accept it. This is yours."

This is one of the many reasons I love Cate. Her words are so full of simple wisdom, leaving me with just the answer and peace I needed to hear.

Today as I spoke to Cate and she delivered this answer to me, It finally hit me. The knowledge and realization sank in for the first time in these past two days.

It's real. I earned this. I deserve this. It's not luck, it's a blessing. It's an opportunity to honor the gift I've been given - to inspire, to grow, to be happy.

"What next?" I asked her.

"Let it unfold," she said.

Later on I went to a book store and I bought a book on traveling Paris. It felt so rewarding to pay that $7.50 towards my future journey.

Let it unfold I will... with every one of you.

First of all, thank you everyone. I cannot tell you all what it means to have your compassion and encouragement as I have been enduring problems in my marriage and life, and dealing with the depression and discouragement that has followed.

What wonderful friends I have.

The past couple of days, I've found it hard to write. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about my marriage. Sometimes when it's not going as I'd like, I feel like a failure as a woman, a wife and a mother when things hit rock bottom on my life. My pride doesn't like to advertise "she's having problems."

Yet, I felt I had to express my feelings.

One reason why I haven't addressed each and every one of you is because I am overwhelmed with your care, concern, and compassion, I don't know where to begin, or how to find the words. My appreciation goes so deep.

I want you all to know that as soon as your comments and emails started pouring in, I began to feel better. I felt a huge weight lift from my spirit. I felt strong. I felt on the path to restoration.

My fever broke last night and I coughed less. I looked into the mirror, as applied make-up and brushed my hair. I saw the face of a woman. Never in my life has my reflection stared back so strong, so intensely, so woman.

Yesterday and the night before were some of the darkest hours in a great long time. I wouldn't say I am 100% better. I feel as if I am half way there, to pulling myself out of the hole I was in. But the light shines down upon me, in this dark place. And I find myself climbing out a lot faster than I anticipated. I know soon, I'll be back to my usual, happy, bright self.

I owe that not just to all of you, my friends, but mostly to my husband.

He is a wonderful man.

Last night he returned from work with a gentle hug to greet me. He brought me chicken soup and medicine for my UT infection - which wasn't cheap. He brought me a bag of body wash and lotions from Bath & Body Works and while the giving of a gift doesn't necessarily take the pain or hurt away, or makes things suddenly better, it was a wonderful, kind and thoughtful gesture.

He knows how much I love fragrances. He wrote on the bag, "To Marilyn Monroe, your #1 stalker." And he informed he that while he was shopping for the fragrances, he took the time to ask the women who worked in the store what sort of things I might like, based on my personality and my favorite smells. It meant so much to me that he did this, that he made this effort.

I spoke to him about me getting my driver's license. He says it is about time and that I was right in needing and wanting this. While we cannot quite afford the car insurance for me to drive right now, he says he will help me to get my license and add me onto the insurance later, when we can afford it.

The rest of it was said in the silent glances we exchanged that night and the way he held my hand. I saw in his eyes the willingness, compassion and understanding of a man who loves his wife and wants to please her. I realized I cannot hold back my feelings and let them later explode onto him in one giant emotional eruption. I realized, he's just a man. He cannot read my mind. He needs me to tell him how I feel, so he can please me.

My mother-in-law took our son for the night. We went out to ice cream and had a banana split, as a couple on a date. We laughed, joked and talked like we hadn't talked in a long time. I told him "we need to do this every week. We need to just drop the kid off at your mom's and have a date. This sort of thing is so good." And he agreed, most definitely.

Then we went to a movie. I asked him to pick the picture. I wanted him to know the night wasn't all about me after all and that he mattered too.  However, even though he picked the film, I think he picked it with me in mind. He knows I love the fantastical, magical and imaginative world of myth and legend.

He chose the most beautiful, imaginative movie, after searching through trailers online. I think it was the best movie I have ever seen, in a long time.

It was called Pan's Labyrinth.

There was magic, love, death, war, fauns and faeries, princesses and kings and queens. It was dark, it was gothic, yet it was full of light and splendor. I believe it was called "a fairy tale for adults."

It was such a wonderful film. I left with a lump in my throat but also, a happiness because the story itself was pure good triumphing over evil.

This film fit what we went through together. He really picked it for me.

As I write this, I look back on the past two days and I ask myself "Did I question my marriage? My faith? Did I lose hope? Did I really think that little girl inside of me wanted to be liked by a friend who was full of jealousy and envy?"

Yet now, to my amazement, the woman that stares back at me in the mirror smiles and I feel I am so close to being recovered, restored to new. 

I believe one of you wrote: 

"As for your faith, this will probably sound strange coming from an atheist like me, but I think you should forget about what other people are doing, saying, and thinking and concentrate on what YOU believe. Plenty of Christians wonder, question, and doubt, but they say it makes their faith stronger. At the end of the day, either you believe or you don't."

This piece of advice has really stuck out for me. It's not hard to figure out who wrote this, if you read through comments, but she knows who she is and if you do find her, she's a wonderful person. She even offered to mail me antibiotics. So many other friends reached out. You all know who you are and you all mean so much to me. We are strangers most of us, but not so much if you think about it.

Thank you all for being a part of my expressive, passionate life.

I'm just so grateful for the man I married. He loves me more than I sometimes realize or could possibly know. Sometimes trying to grasp that knowledge is difficult. One cannot grasp it, one can only lovingly feel it when it comes to pass.

Look at what was made in my honor by a fellow Voxer! Wow! This is probably one of the best things I've ever received.

"Rock & Roll, Gnomes, and Bras & Panties."

I cherish this, claim this, trademark, and copyright it, giving full credit to the artist herself, my adorable little muse, poet and friend, Michelley-Shell. Now I have a Vox-Motto, like CupCate does, with her "stop being so twatish" saying. Thank you so much Michelley-Bean. I adore you!
 

Today was Thanksgiving. It was our first real Thanksgiving as a family.

William was only a month old last year, so it wasn't as fun as this year. I had a blast cooking and baking everything. We stuffed ourselves silly. We took naps, vegging out on the sofa, in a poultry induced sleepy coma. Our bellies were bulging.

This time around I made a glorious turkey. It was incredibly moist and tender. I've been married six years, so, I've had six turkeys to practice. Each year I get better and better at perfecting my recipe. The side dishes I made also turned out wonderful. It was an amazing meal. I was very pleased with it.

We have a tradition on Thanksgiving.

After we eat our turkey and all the trimmings, we put on a movie called National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. When I was a girl, my father and I watched that movie together every year. It always brings back memories of dad and us laughing hysperically together as Clark Griswold punches the lawn Santa and eight tiny reindeer that won't light up. Sitting down and hearing the opening song... "we're so glad it's Christmas Vacation..." play along to the animation of Santa trying to visit the Griswold's on Christmas Eve. To me, watching this movie is carrying on my dad's memory, love for Christmas and family.

I was thinking, as we watched this movie tonight for the sixth year in a row, how the main character, Clark Griswold, reminds me of my dad. I never tired of this film. I look forward to it every year.

I had to laugh at Clark's 25,000 imported twinkle lights that wouldn't light up. I remember when my dad put up lights on our house. He always did such a good job. The house's roof lines and eves would all be lined with the big, old fashioned colored light bulbs. Then he'd go around the windows as well. In the end, our house always ended up looking like a gingerbread house, lit up against the snowy night. My dad always made such beautiful things.

I love this time of year because it is the one time of year where things slow down and we stop together. Days like today, on Thanksgiving where we can take one day and spend it with those we love.

I am thankful on Thanksgiving, for my family.
I am thankful for memories.

I'm thankful for my dad, who always hung such beautiful lights and planted the magic of the season in my eyes, as I beheld his warm smile and excitement. And my mother, who always baked Christmas cookies with me when I was a little girl and sung lovely Christmas carols.

I'm thankful for the blessing of having a husband to share this time of the year with. And a child to love and cherish and experience once again, the magic of the holidays, through his eyes.

I'm so glad I have these opportunities now to hang beautiful lights, bake cookies, sing carols, revel in the joy of the season and make memories for my children to remember me by... and carry on for their children.