Burning burden.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 23:33:11 -0700

I am sad and my bed is empty and no one is near. No one speaks. My dwelling is quiet except for the dryer tumbling wet towels and the erratic off and on spurts of my thought as I type the bullshit out.

I have all this love to burn and sometimes it feels like there's not a soul to feel it's warmth. The weight of it compiles and the want grows bigger, and becomes a burden needing to be burned. So here I am lighting fire to it, as best I can.

I want someone to love me, to fucking save me and make me whole through compassion in every sense. I realized by the words of another that this is an impossibility. No one can save anyone. No one can restore another. That only person who can make me whole is myself, even if someone comes along claiming to be my personal savior.

I do want someone to make the answers seem simple, even if the answers are anything but. I want arms around me. I want someone to drive into me and thrust my sadness, loneliness and pain away and MEAN it with every muscle in their body. And afterwards, look at me and through through the eyes, convey what was just done - a healing. Then, arms. Arms that don't let go.

Maybe there can be temporary bliss and restoration but a dreamy completion from another can't be. No one can save anyone. I can only be there for the one's I love and hope another at the right time, or the other who is right, will open up, or come along and at least stand behind me and beside me for the darker days, for the healing, the happy moments that do come, and for the pleasure exchange of caressing the soul's wounds.

I wonder why more people don't seize every opportunity they have to love one another, especially those deserving and wealthy to give, especially those who are so sore, aching and in need of a reckoning and a trusting release. I wonder why some dwell on the pain and misery of others and what they can't have, or what is empty and lost and not worth saving. Anyone can love another and one should, even if some are not worthy, but there comes a time for weaning one's self from the lesser worthy and spreading hope, healing and faith to those who need it most. That is my philosophy.

What I wish to say is I wish one would say, "Yes, I will save you." That's not going to happen. Yet I wish it would. So I will burn what I want and can't have with hard words. Perhaps a new, soft growth will one day rekindle. In the meantime, I can shelter those I love with what is left of my heart and soul.

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Burning burden.