Kristen's Blog

Anguish.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 00:18:25 -0800

Matthew sent me an audio text to my cell phone last night. I was woken up to the sound of my phone going off when the text came in. I check my phone 24/7, in cast anything ever went wrong with William or in case someone needed me. So, I picked up my phone, opened the text and listened to the recording. In it William was crying. He was asking, "where Momma? where Momma?"

My heart broke. Now he is beginning to feel the pain of this. I beat myself up constantly as it is. I know his confusion and pain will only grow. I try to tell myself that Matthew and I will make his life as easy as we can but in reality, his life will be full of never-ending change and stability will be difficult to maintain.

I asked Matthew not to send me messages like that. I can't bear it. I was almost angry at him for sending it to me in the first place. But, if my son is hurting I would like to know so I can be there for him as best I can.

However, what can I do from here? I'm 1,000 miles away and financially held back. I will just have to keep going and live with this and fight it! I must.

It's hard though. I have little to no help, therefore I need a car so I can take William to day-care, so I can work and not have to ask my small circle of friends (which are a couple of ladies my age who already have full time jobs) to babysit. I can't bring William to me until I have a car and I can't get a car until I have more money. I'm in a vicious and I need help!

I get so tired. I am succumbing to a deep depression, yet fighting it as best I can. I am trying so hard to stay focused on my goals, no matter how hard they may be, but my obstacles are looming huge in front of me. I walk several blocks to work regardless if it is raining or snowing or freezing cold, so I can save up for a car, so I can bring my son home. I feel disillusion and dismay. Some days my depression is so intense I feel actual physical pain in my body, a pain I can't describe, a pain I wish would stop.

I'd give anything for that pain to cease. I'd give anything to hold my son again.

The word that comes to mind is, anguish.

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Celebrating, kid style.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:14:16 -0700

How do we celebrate when my best friend, Christina (the one I grew up with and went to school with) comes for a visit? We go to Chuck E. Cheese's!

We eat pizza. We win 455 tickets. We claim a rubber grasshopper, ball and flashing seizure making toy as prizes! We take pictures. We have a blast.

Whack-a-Mole

I kicked ass at Skee-ball (I think that was what it was called) and Whack-a-mole. I haven't had that much fun since I was a kid. My best friend is here. It was William's first time at Chuck E. Cheese's and he loved it. What a wonderful day. And to make things better, tomorrow we're going out again, but to do adult things. THEN! Gary is coming on Friday! And On Saturday, we're all going to go to San Francisco. What fun!

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Hug me. Hold me. Keep me safe.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 00:13:28 -0700

William is a year and a half now. He's still a baby but he's starting to act, look and be more of a child - a kid. It's been wonderful watching him grow, change and become the adorable little guy he is, but at the same time, it makes me sad because he's growing up so fast. Sometimes I want him to stay my little baby forever.

He has teeth now. He talks a bit. He runs. He's starting to try the doorknobs and with all this activity comes accidents. Lately, my son has been reverting back to his smaller days, when he was but a wee one, a baby. He'll have a spill and he'll get hurt and where does he come? He comes to me. He also makes sure to grab his blanket and have me wrap him up in it, hold him, sing to him, baby him, comfort him and make it all better.

I can't help it. I just have to. I know I can't coddle him every time he falls or gets hurt, but when he comes to me with those big, round, teared-up eyes of his, I can't say no. I know there will come a day when he'll get hurt and he won't come to me. I know there will come a day when he'd be too big to fit in my lap anyway. While he's little like this, it's just something I must do.

Mommies love

They are so precious. Children are just the best gift in life.

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CupCate and William just a Chillin'.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 19:36:50 -0700

Cate and William, chillin' - Pay no attention to my horrible couch.

I've told her once and I'll say it again: she is so going to make a great mother, a kind of strange (in a good way) mother, but still, a really awesome one.

Cate (CupCate) stopped by yesterday before she and Iain head back to London tomorrow. I'm going to miss that girl! It's hard when you spend time with someone so special and then they go away for a long time. Thankfully, we have internet and dear old Vox to keep in touch.

Without those outlets, Cate, I'd have to replace you and find another best friend! Haha, just kidding!

Well, anyway... I was an extremely boring hostess but we ate a lot of pizza. Also, Cate and William really hit it off. She's so good with kids! Normally it will take William a good two hours to warm up to people but right away he was cool with her and had a blast with her, as she made silly noises, made silly faces and insisted he put his bunny on top of his head - which he thought was hilarious.

Making silly faces at the baby (already a mom).

It was cute watching Cate get baby fever and it was even funnier watching Iain's "Oh dear God" expression of fear as his new wife said, "William, you make my fallopian tubes hurt!"

Finally, Cate and Iain - have a safe trip home. I hope you guys get some rest on the plane. Thanks for stopping by and putting up with my absolute terrible lack of ability to entertain!

No goodbyes! (insert teary-eyed smiley emoticon here). Just a pause!

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William really wants the Easter Bunny to come.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 11:30:06 -0700

Or, maybe he just thinks he's found a cool hat to wear.

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QotD: Can't Bear To Part With It

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 23:55:13 -0800

What's something you ~~should~~ would never throw away.

Baby Things.
Clothes William has grown out of such as onsies, booties, socks, premie hoodies, shoes and hats. Also, things like my pregnancy journal, the scrapbook I made of his birth with all the cards we received, hospital bracelets, and ultrasound pictures. I'll keep novelties from my baby shower, binkies, bottles, even my maternity clothes.
I'll keep it all.
Forever.

Baby things

Baby scrapbook

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William discovers dandilions.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 21:19:37 -0800

When did he become a toddle-tot?

When did my son become a year and a half? How? How does it happen so fast?

He's growing up before my eyes and it breaks my heart. Yet at the same time, my heart sings for him. He is his own person. He has his own future to forge, many miles to walk and new things to discover.

This time last year William was learning to crawl. This time last year I could still fit him in the crook of my arm and hold him while he sucked down a bottle. Now he is turning into a little boy. He doesn't drink bottles so mcuh or like babyfood anymore. He likes cherios and pizza. He walks and runs! He doesn't like to be held. He wants to go-go-go! And nothing can stop him.

I took William to the park a few days ago. It was kind of spring day here in California where the grass is vibrant green, tulips are popping open, and the trees are in bloom, budding with new life.

We came into the park and I stopped the stroller under a very special tree we often visit. I let him out and he walked for what seemed like miles through the grass and trees. I couldn't believe how sure-footed he was! He just kept on going, far past our tree and stroller, and pretty soon I realized how tired I was.

So happy!

While he was insistant on running and going non-stop, I had to sit down and it was then I knew I wasn't a kid anymore. Not even a teenager! I don't have his energy. That was perfectly okay though...because just watching him run through the grass with that smile of his was enough to make me beam with pride and forget the fact I'm not as young as I used to be.

He was so happy that day. I swear, I never saw him smile so big. He laughed for what seemed like no reason at all and I found myself laughing right along with him, and trying to catch my breath too.

What is this... a flower?

I had to run ahead of him to get many pictures. He's that fast, but get pictures I did and I captured a very precious moment, one I will carry with me forever.

William had never seen a dandilion before. He was running along when all of a sudden he stopped in his tracks and went "Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" I noticed his shadow stretching across the grass and the knowledge he has his own life struck me then, as it often does. He was staring at the dandilion, so intrigued. He stooped down and he met the flower, face to face, observing it from all angles.

I picked one and blew on it, sending its petals falling and blowing in the wind. He laughed and he too tried to blow on another dandilion not far away. Of course he couldn't quite figure it out - but he will. He will figure it out. He will do many happy things.

They grow up so fast.

It's a dandilion!

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Sleeping baby, oh so sweet.

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 13:08:41 -0800

I haven't been sleeping well at night lately.
I'm not sure why.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep and once I do, if I do, I toss and turn. Maybe it's all the excitement that's happened lately, which I can't complain about and I'm not! Maybe it's a combination of worry over our move in two months and money. I've had some personal problems with a friend that have kept me in a funk and also I'm not getting enough physical activity in my day.

I haven't been to Starbucks either! So don't think It's the coffee. I rarely drink it these days. I'm just an insomniac right now and it really stinks.

Often at night when I can't sleep I'll toss and turn to the point I give up and just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. I get to thinking about my life and how much I love it. I think about all the turmoil I've been through in my life and how hard I've fought to get to where I am now. It occurs to me how lucky I am for all I have.

Then, I think of the baby that is sleeping in the room next to ours and I smile.
He's the best thing of all.

When William my son was born, my life changed so dramatically. To say he's a miracle is putting it lightly. Maybe to some it may not seem like a big deal. People have children. There's millions of us on this planet and we all came from one mother. But to me there's nothing regular about my son. There's nothing regular about how he's impacted my life.

William has given me so much courage, strength, hope and happiness. I cannot truly express in words how dear he is to me. William's birth was nothing ordinary, to me. Though he may have been born amongst thousands of others on that morning in October of 2005, he'll always be the reason I live and the greatest joy I've ever known.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, like lately, I sit up in bed and put my feet to the floor. Carefully and every so quietly I press my weight down on the hard, wooden slats and stand up. I sneak through the bathroom that connects to his room, as if I were a feather on air, so quiet. I turn the knob gently and push lightly. I peek my head through the crack to make sure I haven't woken William and spoiled the moment.

Sleeping William

He's always sleeping. I never wake him.
I'm quiet enough every time.

I push the door lightly enough and cringe as it brushes over the carpet making the wooshing sound that might be the final blow. Sometimes he stirs but he never wakes up from his sweet little slumber.

I put my foot out and tip toe across the room to his crib. There he is, sleeping like an angel. Usually he'll be out of his covers, sleeping with his butt in the air. I alway smile at this. I wonder how someone can sleep with their head turned sideways, their arms splayed out and their knees tucked so high that their butt sticks up into the air. He seems to do just fine this way. He's always slept through the night.

I put the blanket over him one night, not long ago and he stirred, and in his sleep muttered "Hi Kitty," sighed, then turned over. I just stood there by his crib smiling down at him, thinking how precious of a moment I just witnessed and how it was worth every second of sleep lost to see it.

Every night for the past week I've woken in the middle of the night and crept into his room to see him sleep. Every night I grow more and more peaceful each time I see him. I find myself returning to my bed and falling fast asleep.

William is my cure to everything. He makes me happy to no end and he helps me sleep when I cannot. Someday I hope he'll understand how deeply I love him and how grateful I am that he is here, blessing my life.

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QotD: Take Me Back

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 21:43:27 -0800

If you were told you could relive a moment in your life, which would you choose?
Submitted by Slight Diffusion.

I'd go back to when my son William was born.

I would relive his birth again and again, if I could. On that October night, as labor pains wracked my body, I'd look into my husband's eyes, to see again, the love and admiration he had for me. I'd lay in labor and welcome the pain over and over - just to reach for my son as he was born, and hear his first cries hit my ears once more. There is no sound so sweet as the sound of becoming a mother.

I'd hold him in my arms again, still wet, as his hands grasped for me, as the air on his skin, the breath of his lungs and the sights of this world welcomed him. I'd stare at his face and marvel, trying to commit to memory just how sweet and small he was.

I'd touch his soft, wrinkled skin. I'd listen to his cries, coos and hiccups. I long to hear these sounds again. They were the most beautiful and pure sounds ever to grace my life.

I'd run my fingers through his soft, wispy newborn hair. I'd let his tiny fingers wrap around my one finger once more, before they grew. I'd watch my husband hold his son for the first time, with the look of pride and honor upon his face that made me swell with love.

I'd visit this moment, no doubt, because it was the happiest, most beautiful and cherished day of my life.

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I've been tagged

nobody@vox.com(Kristen) — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 14:36:39 -0800

"Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 5 facts about yourself. Then choose 5 people you want to tag and list their names. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they've been tagged."

My Vox friend, Tony and my Vox friend JavaJanie have tagged me. Here are 5 facts about me. I hope it's enjoyable.

1. I am a woman who can do it all when I set my mind to something. I love being feminine and soft, yet I love the fact I can roll up my sleeves, get dirty and do a man's work from time to time. Shovel gravel? Sure. Build a fence? Why not! Just as long as I can change out of my Wrangler Jeans, clean up, make a batch of cookies and wear a dress on the same day.

2. I am obsessed with cupcakes and donuts.They are pretty to look at and they taste good. When I make them, I try to do something different with each one. I have a huge collection of colored sugar sprinkles. My favorite kind of cupcake is vanilla, with a cherry on top, oh and sprinkles. My favorite kind of donuts are those pink cake donuts, with strawberry frosting. Sometimes I go into donut shops and just stare at the pink ones because they look so cute and pretty in the case. I really want to take a photo of a donut display case and have it framed to go on my wall so I can look at the pretty pink donuts any time I wish.

3. Shells. I love sea shells. I love the ocean. I think there's a fascinating world of wonder and mystery under the waves. Shells come in so many shapes and forms. Some of them are pearly, some of them are spiny, some of them are smooth and round and others are just simple and plain. My fondest memories from childhood are of me when I was a little girl and my grandma, as she held my hand and led me down the beach while I collected white clam shells in a coffee can. I filled the entire can with many shells. I remember bringing them home and drawing smiley faces on the inside of each clam shell. There is also a little general store in a small milling town called Port Gamble in Washington State. Above the store is a shell museum. Every time I go visit my grandma, I drive over to Port Gamble, which isn't far from her beach house. I walk up those long, creaky stairs and look at the shells that have been in glass cases for decades. At the back of the shell museum, in the general stores loft, amongst many precious and rare shells, is a bench seat window that over looks the bay. I sit myself down in that window and look down at the beautiful grey water. This place is one of my favorite places to be. Before I leave, I always buy a package of shells from the store because the proceeds help keep the museum operating. So I have a good sized shell collection and I cherish every one of them. To me, a shell washed ashore is a treasure and gift from the kind and cruel deep ocean. I view each shell I own as a tangible, rare jewel that holds a precious memory inside of it's pearly twists and inner curves.

4. I love carousel horses. Just looking at them my heart swells. To me, they are beautiful. Each horse carries a different expression. Some of them are fancy-free, some look soulful, some look to be in anguish and others, wild. The jewels adorned in their bridles and saddles, the mirrors and lights, to me, it's all a perfect circular dance of variety, colors, lights and beauty. When I go to a county or state fair, I always find myself searching out the merry-go-round. I marvel at how people just walk on by the merry-go-round without stopping to admire. I find myself standing by the carousel gate and watching the children go a round and a round with big smiles on their faces, some with scared expressions. I always smile at the father who is standing at a carousel horse's side, supporting his little girl by her waste, as her little legs dangle astride a big horse, going up and down. There's a memory I have of my father doing the same thing with me, many years ago. My heart leaps up for those fathers in that moment, as the carousel turns around and the music plays. I want to tell those fathers to stay aboard the carousel a second time and ride it with their daughter again because they are only sweet little girls for a short time. Someday I want to own an original 1930's hand-carved wooden carousel horse. Preferably, I want to find an old neglected horse in some abandoned barn or antique store and restore it to it's original glory.

5. I love being the mother to William, my son. There are a dozen facts about me, surprising things I've done, neat places I've been, but there is no greater fact about me than the fact I cherish every day, every minute and second I have with my son. He fills my heart with joy and he inspires me to be a better person. He gives me hope and purpose. Being his mother is more than a gift, it's a blessing and in a way, how I define myself now. I live for him. I'd die for him. He is the light of life, my heart sings because of him. I love my son William with all of my heart and soul.

The five people I'm tagging are:

1. Teri
2. Brynn
3. Marty
4. Marie
5. Christina

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